I'm scared and sad. I need to change my life and my actions, I don't know where to start.
A brief story
Growing up I was a "model" teen, I didn't do any of the teen stuff like smoking, drinking in the park, getting detentions, sleeping around – instead I hid in my room watching the soaps, drinking tea and reading. When i reached 16 my life changed I moved to my grandparents so i could go to college but after a few months I fell out with them (falling out with people is something I do alot) I had to go back to my dads and commute, but i had to stay at my other grandmas thursday and friday nights so i could go to college on a friday and work on Saturday. I felt insecure, i felt like I didn't belong anywhere, I was the suitcase kid, i was never anywhere long enough to "settle" in. In the summer my dad said he couldn't drop me off at the train anymore because he didn't know if he would have a job, he suggested I look for a room near the college but I couldn't afford it, it caused alot of arguments. In the end I went back to my 6th form but had to resit all the exams because the sylabus had changed, typical. I failed. What a waste of a year!
Aged 18 I got an apprenticeship moved in with my Gran who was beginning to get dementia and needed full time care, something i couldn't provide when i was working all day. I went back to my dads every weekend and cried if it was snowing and couldn't get back – insecurity issues big style. Anyway, eventually my gran wanted to go in a home so i moved to a house share and it was good, but i think it's at that point where I stopped caring.
I was out every weekend, spending my savings on fags and booze and in the end i fell out with my housemate (YEP! History repeats itself) I moved to a student house and was worried my apprenticeship was finishing and was really scared of going on the dole. I started drinking heavily on my own. The first bad experience was when I had been messing around with this guy and I text him a few times he was really abrupt with me and that made me feel rejected and i didnt want to go home, i wanted to feel nothing, so i went to the pub meaning just to have the one, but i didn't i carried on drinking and was pissed out of my face. Got on the bus and was sick, got off the bus and was sick, rang my dad, asked him if he would take a grenade for me and i said i doubted it, he rang me asking me what was wrong, i cried down the phone. The next day he rang the doctors and said i needed help. Gave me an ultimatum, sort yourself out or we will never get on with each other.
2011 I carried on drinking, sleeping around – told myself i was just doing everything a bit later on, only by this time i was self destructive, really destructive, i was beyond caring. I ended up pregnant and alone, everyone thought it was the wrong time for me to have a baby, so i had an abortion, promising my baby i wouldn't drink anymore. 2 weeks later, I was doing it again but blamed it on a slip up.
Back to now
When i'm single and i have got use to sleeping on my own, eating on my own, planning on my own, i work, and my brain works and i feel ok. I never feel ecstatic because naturally i am quite a gloomy person. Recently i met someone and for 3 weeks spent every night together – i'm a creature of habit, so 4 weeks ago when he said he couldn't see me cos of his kids, i was annoyed, not jealous, just insecure. I played it cool. By the 4th day I was just pissed off, no communciation and i just though, woah i dont trust you. We fell out then had make up sex but he avoided me. Then it was my birthday, he didn't bother, so i finished with him. I was gutted. I really am past the point of one night stands, and flings, it does nothing for me. On the weekend before my birthday i felt this intense anger/depression/sadness i felt totally out of control i didn't know what to do. That was the first time I have felt suicidal and i scared myself. But not enough to stop drinking. Anyway I finished with this guy but slept with him last thursday and again, have never heard anything back, but i text him last night and said were over.
I wanted to see the samaritans last night, they werent there, so i got really drunk and i have spent most of the day been sick and in bed. What as wasted day.
So……. there was a reason behind this blog. I NEED to sort my life out.
- I am aiming to stop drinking for at least 6 months I need to sort my life out and clear my head
- I need to sort my anger out – thinking of going boxing
- I need to spend time enjoying myself, loving myself – fake tan, and want hair doing (next month when i get paid)
- Go for long walks to release the endorphins.
- Finally, learn to respect myself.
Habits of a life time
For as long as i can remember i have been insecure, damaged, paranoid, possessive, selfish, stubborn and self destructive. I thought all these problems were from my mum dying and leaving me, but on speaking to my dad he says i've always been like this. But I cannot continue to live my life like this. I deleted facebook on friday, I also blocked someone – trying to create a positive view of myself, by saturday I had undone all that – why? If I go on a diet for a few weeks i get bored and start eating more again. I push people away because i put demands on them, i want to be "the one and only" and the fact is, that doesn't exist in this life. This is why i am scared – because for as long i've remembered i have worried people will leave me or not love me.
Anyway – bottom line is, something has to change and only i can do it. Time to grow up, love myself and COPE