My mood has started to go back down into a depressive state. I don't know if it's because I'm currently riding the crimson tide, but I've been feeling it going down for the past few weeks. First real menstrual cycle in a few months, because of the 90 days pill I'm on. I'm not used to this. It's hitting me hard.

But my mood elevated when I started college. I remember the last depressive episode I had was extremely terrible. Especially terrible. I can feel, which each episode, my mind and my depression getting lower and lower to worse and worse standards that I don't want to imagine.

That's why I need help with the counseling services here. It's awful. But I've been at such an almost eurphoric, manic state for this first month (and started two new internship/leadership positions, plus adjusting to college classes and lifestyle) that I just haven't had the time. I love college. I love it here. It feels great. Even when I feel lonely, there's still someone to talk to.

But I know that the high will not last forever. I can feel the next episode slowly creeping back in as I settle down into daily grind. I'm just too busy to set up the appointment.

One thing that I often forget about are my scars. I usually forget they're even there. But I've been remembering, noticing them more. My doctor saw them at least. He's nice, though. But still, it's embarrassing. I cut deep enough to leave scars because I thought I would kill myself before it even mattered. But now I have a future. Now I'm working towards a career. And I scar easily, anyway, over any silly old scrape or nick. I quit cutting 3 years ago. And I'm glad I did, because it was addicting. And, like my depressive episodes (though my cutting was more correlational to anxiety), it got consecutively worse and worse with each period.

I quit smoking, too. 80 days ago. That's hard. It is hard. Especially thinking about it now, as I'm reaching the climax of my womanly shark week. Easy thing is, my campus is tobacco free. That doesn't stop people from smoking, but it keeps out of sight more often than not.

The girls at this campus are gorgeous, too. I know this is in vain, but I'm not used to feeling so…disgusting, ugly, average, and unwanted. Being blown off so much. Maybe this is my hormonal crap talking. Maybe this is a bad time to write a blog. Yeah.

I'll get back when I'm in a better mindset to write. Tensions are running too high.

Please excuse my grammar and typing errors.


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