It’s been a while since I last wrote.
I hear from CT. Ironically she e-mailed before I did but I didn’t see it until right after I sent mine. I think this was the work of a higher power.
I still said what I wanted to but I also know she still cared enough to write me first.
She was hurt by my letter. Mostly she was confused.
I explained everything.
We love each other. We both want to be together in the future. We both need to find ourselves.
She couldn’t really talk to me before because she was with her BF. Now she is still talking to him but doesn’t know what"s gonna happen because he doesn’t want a long distance relationship and they aren’t going to see each other again.
I was extremely hurt by this and the fact that she has had sexual relations with this man. I explained all my feelings to her and avoided my crisis.
We texted for a couple days but then I got anxious and dipped into a depression. She talked me through another crisis.
I recovered but I don’t know that it is enough. She knows I have made changes and I am still working on it but I get the feeling she is doubting it again. She already admitted she doubted it when she went back to school. It was that doubt that I sensed. It was that doubt that pushed us away last month and pushed me back into that depression.
She helped me through my latest crisis last night but I feel I can’t keep it up. I can’t depend on her. I can’t burden her every time I have a bad feeling. If I don’t communicate with her properly, tension will grow between us. It’s a vicious cycle.
I’m still soul searching.
I drove to Downtown L.A. last night hoping to find a spot where I could meet people and have a good experience but ended up coming home more lonely than before I left.
Today I drove to the international district and walked around the neighbor hood and this beautiful park. The streets and park were backed with people. The neighbordhood was a great example of the poverty in this area. I stopped thinking so much about my own life for a bit. It helped but I went back home to my dark room… alone.
I’m finding to many hobbies to keep me busy but I keep falling back into a sadness. I’m lonely and I try to change it but keep failing.
I know it takes time to find friends so I will keep trying.
Tomorrow I’m going to hit some balls with my sister’s bf again… golf is one of my latest hobbies.
I’ve also started writing a short story.
I’ve also started taking pictures and want to take videos.
I can’t jog. My right leg has gotten worse. It started as a soreness only after jogging but now its when walking. It spread so now it hurts at the top of my leg, the tendons in the back of my knee, and sometimes the tendon in my foot.
I plan to give it a weeks rest, buy some jogging shoes, find a better surface to jog on, and most importantly stretch before jogging.
I’m sad now. I just wanted to get an update out there before too much more happens. I’ll try to sleep in a minute but it really is hard. I need someone to hold. Someone to hold me. Life is good, I just have to wait it out. Please! Lord, Spirit, Love, whatever is controlling this world, Please Show Me What I’m Looking For!! Save me from being confused. I want to live! I want to be happy. I’m ready. Please!!!