God, if you’re there….
Grant me the Sense of Self Worth to remember that my Struggles are largely biological
not a Weakness I can just “snap out of”
or some Character Flaw that prevents me from “looking on the bright side”
I am not Spoiled or Lazy or Inappreciative…
Depression, Anxiety, Guilt & Self Doubt may plague me, but should not define or limit me.
A true statement – yet seemingly impossible to live by.
Grant me the Tolerance to ignore the all too common hurtful words, jokes, stigma & discrimination
that I & millions like me, are faced with daily….
In times when I just don’t have the Strength to tune them out, thicken my skin
so the Hurt & Shame can run effortlessly off me, like water from a duck’s back
– for they know not what they say – speaking carelessly from Ignorance & Fear.
Yet no one else’s words or deeds – whether intentional or not –could ever Hurt as much
as my own relentless Self Judgment with which I have been tarred & feathered
God, help my Loved Ones understand that even in my darkest hours,
I Love & Appreciate them more than I can ever show.
Worry, Anger, Frustration & Sadness are all part of the menu –“sorry, no substitutions allowed.”
The days of Smiles & Laughter may be scarce at times, but hopefully quality outweighs quantity.
If I could have one wish, it would be to take away the Hurt, Fear & Chaos
that I cause others and to feel it for them…
When Pain is so often present in my mind, it starts to feel normal, natural….
so I would welcome a little more if it would spare someone else.
If only the thought that counts really made a difference.
On the days when I can’t find Hope in anything & am wracked with Guilt for all that I have,
give me the Patience to be satisfied with the smallest of baby steps,
& words of Encouragement from those around me.
Help me break free from my self-absorption & summon the Decency
to give others’ feelings at least as much regard as I give my own
to recognize and Appreciate, without Resentment, the Happiness of others,
even when it continues to elude me.
Grant me the Strength to push through another day
of trying to walk ten miles through quicksand,
or holding my breath waiting for the world to collapse around me
dealing with fears both real & imagined.
Help me find the Resolve to make it through another sleepless night
spent staring at the ceiling wishing that tomorrow wouldn’t come
& the Courage to fight the tears & get up & keep going when it does.
God, if you’re there, please give me Guts!!
Guts to be Proud of who I am & what I’ve Accomplished in my Life –
Guts to embrace the Struggles, Poor Choices & the “Not so Pretty Parts”
& most importantly the Guts to Imagine a Future –
to Believe in the possibility of good days ahead
at a time when they are so unimaginable.
And if I haven’t asked for too much already,
God grant me the Serenity of Self Acceptance,
the Courage to share it & wear it Proudly & without Fear,
& the Wisdom to know that no matter how dark the moments may feel
brighter ones will come along.
I’m not quite there yet….