I just joined the dual diagnosis group. I did a intro, which ended up being quite a bit of writing. I have decided to copy it into a blog…..

Hey I’m Jac. I have been a member of DT for just over a year now. i’m new to this group. I found it from the post on the forums. I’m just going to write a little about my experiences…

I have a bit of a history with depression, and started drinking to "get away" from it all. I have been on the boarder of an alcoholic and binge drinker. I know the logic behind drinking to get away, but then the downer always comes next.

Three times I have been admitted to hospital for suicide attempts and three times its been while I have been drinking.

I know alcohol is a depressant.. logically, but its that escape.. even if its for just an hour or so, that is what I crave.

I started drinking while I was working, I ended up quitting from that job as I was calling in sick, and telling mum I was at work, and then I would simply go to a park and drink.

I’m in trouble with the law because of my drinking. I’m on probation at the moment after one of my "episodes" where I simply drank and drank and then got in my car- ready to kill myself. Instead I just ran from the police, leading them on a high speed chase through town. I got a 6 month suspended sentance and lost my licence for 2 1/2 years. That was a bit over a year ago. A part of my probation was to attend an alcohol program, in which I have managed to weasel out of.

I’m good at hiding my drinking. I’m good at lieing. I’m sure that there have been times that my mum knows I have been drinking the night before,  but we have such a relationship that we do not discuss it. I would hate to count the amount of sprit bottles that are hidden in different places in my room. I always drink alone, which I have been told, isn’t a really good idea, but thats the way I like it.

I made a fool of myself at my fathers wedding. I drank myself into such a state that I had to get basically dragged into the car, then at the hotel my little sister seen me vomit all over myself. She had to help me. I’m very ashamed. I don’t want her to see me like that. It really upsets me. I’m sure that people would have talked about me. I’m the messed up one of the family. I’m the fat, drunk, scared, mentaly disturbed black sheep.

I hope this all makes sence, as right now i’m drinking.. I have been drinking for a few hours now. I’ve soberd up a bit as I just vomited (Too much information i know, but as I hope you’ll understand, its normal, well as normal as these things can be)

Its horrible. I feel like my life is completly out of controll. I feel as though there is no one that understands. I don’t know where i fit in. I don’t think i’m an alcoholic, but then again most people in denial would say that wouldn’t they?.. am I in denial? I honestly don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore.

Well thats way more than what I was planning to write. I guess I’m just hanging on to some hope that there might be someone in this group that understand all this, and/or can relate to all this crap.

Feel free to drop by my page if you want to know more of the gory details of my totally messed up life.

Cheers, Jac.