I feel like I have f***ed up my life. I don't know how to get it back on track or if I even want to do what it takes. I'm so tired of the negative and the meanness in my world. I say "my world" meaning in my circle. My irritation with my father is close to boiling over, my mood swings are getting more severe. I am lucky I didn't just cuss my dad out just now. Instead here I sit in my room trying to blog the feelings away. I don't know how many different ways I can say I'm tired of life and tired of always feeling down. I really can't see me being able to hold a job, raise a child or trust another person to love them. All things I want but yet seem like fantasies. I don't feel like I belong anywhere: not at home and not at the college. I can't even bring myself to say I feel accepted or wanted at church. I feel like it's a chore for my mom to take me…I know I need to learn to drive. Trust me I kick myself for being such a chicken about it daily.
At this moment, I am at that point, yet again, where I want to just end my pathetic life. I'd be sorry for my mom–who I actually feels understands me–but my dad? He is constantly in a bad mood and doesn't want to do anything social related.
I have to do survive dinner…will write another entry later…