I have definitely been AWOL as far as DT is concerned. I’ve been trying to sort out this mess of a life I’ve got going for me and let me tell you the success has been limited.

The good news: I’m on medication now. Paxil. I haven’t been as depressed as I’m accustomed to being this time of year.

The bad news: Paxil is leaving me in a fog. I feel groggy and lethargic most of the time. I just don’t feel like myself. I don’t feel much of anything. Yesterday something happened that made me sad and I was surprised to realize I welcomed the sadness because I could actually FEEL. It was SOMETHING.

You can see my problem.

About a month and a half ago I applied for Vocational Rehabilitation because of my social anxiety. About a week ago I was rejected.

It has been a nightmare, trying to find work. With the economy as terrible as it has been these last few months, finding work has gone from difficult to damn near impossible. I’m still applying here and there, but most of the good jobs are taken up. Seasonal hiring usually wraps up before Thanksgiving, so retail is almost out of the question. I find myself looking for janitorial jobs now… something I’ve never done, but can do despite my bad back and knees. It’s a more-or-less solitary job, so I wouldn’t have to deal with people too much, except for when someone throws up on the floor or something.

I’m also looking for work in factories. Assembly work, cleaning work, etc. Really, I’m looking for anything that will take me. So far nothing, but I keep trying.

Things have gone from bad to worse in the house. Brent is the only one working. Maya is jobless and not looking, Matthew is out on disability for the rest of the year (recovering from heart surgery), so that really leaves me to be the one to get a job. It has been almost a year since I’ve worked. A whole fucking year. Good god I’m such a failure. :

I hate what I’m doing to this family, but I just… can’t seem to get work. Every interview I’m in seems to go well, but for some reason I’m never hired. 🙁 I fucking hate my life. I fucking hate what it’s becoming.

Please, please, please, Universe! Help me find work!