I have never in my life thought that I would be going online to seek support for a condition that I have tried to hide from the world for so long. I guess my diagnosis of OCD has been recent although I had the symptoms fo as long as I remember , it's only within the last 6 months that I chosen to finally seek help and get a proper diagnosis. In a way I feel relieved that what I've been feeling actually has a name, and that I'm not actually losing my mind which I really did believe was happening, hence the denial and failure to seek professional help. However, now I've been feeling totally alone with this disorder. I have no one to talk to about it, well besides the psychiatrist that is.When I do try discussing it with my parents/friends they don't really get it. Perahps they're afraid or just don't believe that this is an actual condition. I am married to a wonderful man who was the one who encouraged me to seek help and who know all my"quirks" and all the obsessions(even the scary ones) however he works away from home and I only see him 8 days out of every month. Totally sucks I know. The only thing is I feel horrible for leaning on him all the time and I'm afraid to be bothering him all the time with my obsessions and compulsions and worry that he will eventually become tired of it all. So I have come to see if anyone want's to chat at all.

My obsessions are mostly related to intrusive thoughts and extreme fears. The scariest ones I have usually center around my children, someone else or myself hurting them or molesting them etc. These ones are the worst becuase I love my children more than myself and would never dream of hurting them however I just CANT seem to get my brain to shut off these topics. After the birth of my son who is now 4, the thoughts were almost unbearable and I went into a deep depression at that time and was diagnoses with postpartum depression(a wrong diagnosis becuase I refused to give the MD a true description of what was going on in my mind at that time. Currently I have fear and anxiety regarding just about anything: death, rats, abuse, uncleansliness, assymmetry etc. I'm on citalopram 60mg od and I'm not sure if it's actually working, is it supposed to take away all my anxiety or just make it bearable??? With the medication I do not have the strange thoughts of hurting or abusing anyone(I feel horrible even admitting to these thought!!!) but I do still have a lot of anxiety. Anyone out there reading this????I'd love to have someone to chat with so I don't feel so alone with this. Thanks

  1. renna 11 years ago

    Thank you guys for responding, I'm finally starting to feel like I might not be alone in this.  Believe it or not, I'm actually an emergency room nurse.  Well, I was anyway.  I resigned from that position about 5 months ago because I was finding it too stressful and thus my anxiety level was through the roof.  I was finding myself calculating medication dosages hundreds of times even though I've done the same calculation daily for the last seven years.  I also had these horrible feeling that I was going to make a mistake and hurt someone.  Eventually, I just couldn't ake it anymore.  So now I'm at home doing the stay at home mom thing.  In one way, I find it wonderful.  I love getting to spend time with my kids and help them learn neew things but on the other hand with all this extra time for my mind to be idle, the strange intrusive thoughts start to creep back in and the anxiety level seems to be on the rise again.  I'm trying to work through it all, it's just that sometimes it's a task to do so.  Again, thank you for responding.

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  2. ktbothum 11 years ago

    welcome to the tribe!

    I am so glad you are here getting help and support! It's so great that your hubby is encouraging and as loving as he is. As far as any advice, one thing I would recommend is the book Brain Lock by Jeffrey M. Schwartz MD. It talks about those rushing thoughts, what causes them, and what to do about them. It might be a great book to go over with a counselor as well should you decide to take that route. Hang in there and again welcome to the tribe!

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  3. her_ocd 11 years ago

    welcome! glad to hear you are seeking out the support that you need for this condition. hang in there, i know it is tough but with the right help and or meds you will get better.

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  4. renna 11 years ago

    I was so happy to hear all of your responses….

    Ktbothum…I will indeed check out that book, I am an avid reader and have been searching for a good book on this topic.  In regards to the counsellor, My psychiatrist is setting that up for me right now, she thinks it might help with the anxiety.  For me though, in the medical field, it's so hard to believe that this might help…usually I would always take the side of medication, however in my case it just doesn't seem to be enough.

    Gil…. I also have battles with intrusive thoughts regarding medical conditions, and being a nurse and seeing what I have seen, these thoughts are easy to come by.  Every condition a patient has, I am absolutely convinced that I have it, and of course I'm going to die from it.  So much so that when I got a bunch of my friends together and disclosed that I had been diagnosed with OCD, one of the comment was,"well at least it's beeter than the cancer, MS, brain tumor or alzheimers that you thought you had"!!!\"\"Yes, girls, true enough.  That basically sums up thier understanding or willingness to understand this disorder.  Oh well, this too shall pass….I hope!

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