I have never been on my own. I went from my parents home to my husbands home. After 26 years, I lost my husband to cancer. Why, I sobbed, why? I am still asking "why" Anyway, I was extremely vulnerable. I wasted no time and in 2 weeks, after Ron's funeral, I took a trip to meet a complete stranger, that I met one day prior, on a social media site. My intentions were to use his place as a refuge to regain my thoughts but, it became more in a very short time. Within months, I had married a divorced, financially broke, no job, no home, in major debt, and using/distributing cocaine/crack to which he got me addicted and wasted over $100,000.00, of my late husband's money, for our 5 year drug use.

( This crap is no longer in my home or life ) I had never touched a drug, unless prescription, in my life. I needed him for companionship, he needed me to pay the thousands he owed in debt and to support him until he found a good paying job. I was scared, lonely and blinded by grief.

Well, 8 years later, we tolerate each other. I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder and Severe Clinical Depression, Panic Attacks and Anxiety. I am not much of a socializer, I like my solitude, I stay at home, in my bed, on my iPad, 23/7. I have Degenerative Back Desease, Thyroid problems and High Blood pressure.

My husband's life revolves around his 6 dogs. After all, thanks to my generosity, he is no longer in debt and can be selfish with the way he spends his time. There is not a day, that goes by, where his flirtatious actions with other women, doesn't make me cry. He is not at all sensitive to my feelings or needs! 

I was talking about suicide and my husband checked online for the easiest way to end my life. I bought the supplies. I was going to end me misery last night but, couldn't find the courage. My husband chose to sleep in the other room so he doesn't have to watch. He is sleeping in that room again tonight. Actions speak loud and clear to me. This is definitely a red flag! 

Well, enough "Husband Complaining" I, by far, am not perfect! I have done many regretful things in my life.

Mom always said, " You made your bed, You lay in it " and I sure am laying in it!

My dilemma: I am stuck between a rock and a hard place! 

1. I want to move out but, the idea of living alone scares the crap out of me, in a death defying way

2. Staying with a man who treats me like a door mat, is extremely selfish and refuses to support me, in anyway, is toxic in my life. He says he can't change because then he is not true to himself!

I am extremely depressed… I need a way out… suicide seems the best option!

2 Comments
  1. firefighter39m 5 years ago

    Hello Crab,

    I'm sorry to hear you are having a very hard Time ! ending your life is not best thing to do it might be the easy way . Is there any friends or family that might be able to talk to you or help ? I once was in the same spot was married 21 years My ex wife found someone else I thought my world came to an end I even tried taking my life . I survied lived with some one for awhile ended up on my own for awhile found out I could do this . I know it's hard I am also stuck in  a place that is bad right now as I also got remarried and things are not very good  but every day I get up and look around and go to work and maybe some day I will find a soul mate again and a friend , maybe you need to go check in at the hospitail for awhile to think things threw ok .

    happy thoughts to you 

    Tim

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  2. 5 years ago

    (((Hugs)))

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