Hey everyone,

I swear, I'm losing it more and more everyday. It's as though my mind is slipping away from reality more and more everyday. My mind keeps on making more and more and more tricks to keep me inside this OCD. My mind is a goddamn prison, I swear! With every turn I try to take to steer myself away from my OCD, I automatically conjure up though images another scenario that puts the border around my mind.

I mean, when God created the world, did he intend to put borders around the minds of some of his children?

It all doesn't make sense. I can't really blame an OCD guy for disliking the whole notion of believing in God.

Why would I? Why?

Whenever, whenever, whenever, I take any one step towards progress, I fall right back down ass first. It's like a loop keeping me stuck on the first step to recovery and happiness.

You know what, fuck progress. I'm not going to the gym, eat healthy, run outside crying, go to psychologists who haven't the faintest idea about what's going on with me. Fuck that.

I'm going to self-destruct.

Chain smoke.

Drink wildly.

Punch myself in the face if I have to.

Until there's no further left to sink, and then I can say, "You know what, it ain't as bad as I thought."

When the mind is screwed with, then everything is gone.

Not one more step, in the name of progress, in the name of ambition that's infinitely faraway from an OCD mind.

If God's going to give me the genes that initiate OCD, and gives me, though fate, a fucked up family life and history, then I don't need to respect the body he gave me.

If there was to be a heaven, I'd want it to be a place where I can cry forever.

Because I can't cry.

I can't sleep.

I can't even dream.

Kelzak