Work was good, well, it was work. I spent the entire day scanning old files so that we can get rid of all of the paper. Yay. Actually, I know that sounds weird, but I enjoy that part. I am a weirdo, I like scanning.
What I don't like is having this God awful feeling hit me like a frying pan to the face when I least expect it! I'm so tired of being in pain, that soul aching, heart wrenched pain that no one else in the world feels but me.
My Mom died just over two years ago. As a woman with Asperger's Syndrome, let me tell you what that's like. My mother was the only person on the planet who protected me. The only person who understood me, and left me be for who I am. She never tried to change me. I was allowed to be who I was, and I was happy.
My mother was also the only person left that I had in my family. My cousin (who was very much like my brother) had drown four days before, and I hadn't spoken to anyone else in my family in about six years. My Mom was the last person on the planet who loved me with all of their heart, and I woke up one morning and she was just gone, laying in the recliner next to the couch I was sleeping on. Gone.
My heart never felt such pain. I was all alone in the world, and nothing would ever be the same. At 29 I never thought that I would lose the very best friend that I ever had in my life. But what hurts me a million times more is knowing that I'm the only one on the planet left that mourns her loss. Her parents were long gone, and her brothers and sisters couldn't have cared less about her as none of them had bothered talking to her in six years. No one on this planet is left that cares about her but me. No one is left here to understand. No one is left here to feel this pain, to share this burden, or to even remember that she was the best mother a girl like me could ever have. No one else knows how much she sacrificed in her life for me. How many times when she was in awful, bone deep pain that she still got up and went to work because the food still had to make it to the table somehow. No one left to know how proud she was over me doing even what I thought were the simplest things. No one realizes that she was the very center of my solar system, the corona, the sun of my existence; and now without her, I'm adrift in space and spiraling out of control.
The world around me is cold and unmoved by this heartache that I hold inside of me. I still have to get up every day, go to work, study my ass off, pay my bills, make sure the house and laundry and dogs are all taken care of. No one realized just how badly I want to curl up on the floor and give up. To just let nature take its course and pass away from this world and all of its pain and misery. To know that I won't have to feel this awfulness all by myself any more. Gods, what peace that would be.
But then it occurs to me, if I die, then whose left?