they say depression affects the decision making process.

i was invited ages ago to a catch up night with my friends in hamilton (my hometown about an hour's drive away) and my bf said he would come with me. last night he came home and said his boss had said there was an important work drinks (free work drinks) all the way in auckland city (about an hour's train ride away) – my bf had been given a day's notice of this. unfair. and i had to decide whether to go to hamilton alone, or to go meet him in town at his work thing, or i could just stay home.

i REALLY dont want to go down to hamz alone, just because i don't think im very independent anymore and hate being alone. also i can't really afford it, and having ben with me would have made it feel better. i also hate being at home alone at night, i get anxious and panic a lot. my heart beats too fast and i feel like im gonna lose it. so auckland seems like the only option. but the train ride all the way into town is over an hour, i have to drive us home in his car so won't be able to drink (im also working tomorrow so don't wanna have too much). 

i feel cheated, its so unfair that we had made these plans and i was so looking forward to it, and now all this has changed in less than a few hours. its so unfair and im not sure how i feel about catching the train all that way just to drive his drunk ass home.

depression-wise i think im handling it ok, i havn't cried about it which is promising. i do feel disappointed though and i'm still trying to teach myself how to deal with that properly – doesn't make it any easier. another thing is that i can't be mad at ben, coz it's his boss' fault for not giving him more notice. i just feel angry at the situation coz i don't particularly want to go to ben's work thing, but if i don't i will be sitting at home alone all night. so i have nowhere to direct my anger, it just sits inside me.

FAAAAAAAAARK its so unfair.