My mum has lashed out at me for the past 2 nights.
- This ruined my sleep by making me stay awake longer just thinking about her and myself.
- I did nothing because of my crimes of hurting everyone in the past so I have no right to argue but to surrender and tolerate the punishment I'm getting.
She has been angry at me because I didn't listen to her, didn't understood what she said to me and not doing things properly. But I did listen to her, I understand the things she tells me but I try to do things properly.In her eyes, I am worthless and useless. Which is fine by me because the horrible feeling is nothing compared to what I had done to her, my sister and my brother. I do not deserve any kindness from them.
I've been thinking about what I should do about housing during University. Shamefully, I never thought about how my existance could suffocate them everyday but at the same time, they need me to fix things around the house. All these years I've been cooped up in my bedroom all day, everyday. Thinking that this will be the best of everything but now I see that my existance is slowly making them feel like "there is living trash (me) nesting deep inside the house"
Luckily my reliable cousin is coming to live with us in September. She can translate a hundred times better than me, more helpful with chores unlike I hardly do any, make the house more lively and free. I'm just a small bug living in the small corner of the house, like literally. So when my cousin gets here, I will make my way out of the house and live by myself. I should be okay because I just turned 18 a few days ago. I have one more year left in college then off to University, living in dorms and getting myself a proper job for the first time ever. I'm not running away, I will come back to help with anything I can do (if they let me). I just want them to breath.
I am so very sorry Mum, Li and Vickmon from the very bottom of my heart. I have been such a horrible daughter and oldest sister. I ruined your lifes, childhood and moments of joy. I have been the most selfish person and worse, to have this person who had been living with you under the same roof for a very long time. I will quietly leave the house as soon as possible. I will pray with everything I got that you all will have the best future any human has ever had. I want to let you know know and feel that I love you all as much as everyone and everything. You all are and will be my everything. Goodbye.