Its been my biggest challenge lately…the world came crashing down last September. My emotions were so scrambled, my father died and I didnt have any brothers or sisters to help. For the first time in my life I wished I wasnt an only child. You cant miss what you never had so the thought of not having brothers and sisters never came to me. Until that was when my father died.
The 2 sides of the famillies were never close, and neither were we. It was such a strange and bizarre enviroment to grow up in. I swear i thought we were the only disfunctional family in the world. It wasnt the kind of disfunctional family you see or read about. It was disfunctional is sense of emotional bonding, the love and peace a cohesive normal happy family offers wasnt existant. We were all in different worlds yet lived under the same roof.
I was ready to heal and forgive a long time ago, im not the type to hold grudges. I just wanted to keep away and block it out and hopefully forget it all. That was my dream, my hope…It wasnt to be that way..I always felt like I was being constricted, manipulated, controlled. The extent of the emotional damage really has taken its toll on me.
People who barely know me and the past think thet can judge me and walk in my shoes. That is what hurts the most. How do you expect to keep faith in something when its never there for you. So love wasnt easy to recieve, there wasnt much of it going around inside our home. Lots of yelling and degrading on an almost daily basis. I was the silent one , sadone,in fear and confused. I remember watching the horror and asking myself if it was really happening. Why dont they leave each other ? what kind of people fight each and every day ? is this what life is about? And then as I grew a little older i had started to accpet the fact that my familly was messed up bad and my future wasnt going to be like the others.I knew that from the start.
Acceptance , forgivness is the way to healing. I forgive all who have transgressed against me. I really do. I do have a great deal of empathy and sympathy. At the same time I feel like its not up to me to decide anyones future. Your own conscious , your own faith will judge and forgive you. After you forgive yourself you can forgive others right ?