Pestilence. It riddles my brain. My love has become a distant ghost that haunts the caverns of my mind. My depression after she left me to rot in this Godforsaken town of meth addicts has me confined to my room most days. All that I once enjoyed doing is now bleak and grey, without meaning. There is no passion, no spark, no drive and no destination. There is only this world and my existence in it. Life is the worst waiting room ever.
I believe that there really is no purpose or trust in human beings at all anymore. All of my happiness was taken away from me, and I let it go willingly because now, there is no place for it in my life. I never deserved it to begin with.
The anxiety attacks I have strike me often, several times a day. 99 percent of the time it is because I obsess over my ex girlfriend and how happy I was prior to her cheating on me. These attacks result in hyperventilation, outbutrsts of tears, rampid pacing, confusion utter hopelessness and a deathwish.
4 months have screamed by me since my world ended, and I now find that these anxiety and panic attacks just keep getting worse. Yesterday I was cleaning my room, and had an attack that was triggered by a glance of a drawing she made. I was manic at the time, dancing to my music like some kind of freak when I saw the drawing. My demeanor instanly transformed to that of a raging lunatic. I felt like the Chinese New Year celebration was exploding in my skull. Tears are inevitable in these situations, they escape from my eyes like peoples last hopes to save their own lives by jumping out of a burning skyscraper with their fingers crossed.
Today I was in a depression chatroom and was whining about my life when some prick told me to think of the "dude thats banging her" when I am sad about her. I knew this would cause a panic attack, so consciously I tried to fight it. I instantly went back to work on this watercolor painting I am needing to finish so I can get paid, but I absolutely could not focus whatsoever. I thought it best to take my dog for a walk.
Nobody roams the streets in my town. It is a town though. I just dont know where all the people are. People in this town only parade around it in their vehicles, many of which are trucks thanks to all the republican scumbags that infest this place. I headed toward main street while shuffling through all of the tainted thoughts in my head. The walk became longer than I expected. I tried breathing exercises to calm down, but the anxiety was out of control and I lost it again, and again, and again throughout the walk.
I miss my love but more importantly, I just miss myself. My personality as gone into hiding. I dont enjoy the company of friends now and cant bring myself to contribute to a simple conversation. I feel awkward around everyone, even me.
My doctor has prescribed me Paxil for depression, and a NO REFIl\LLS order of Valium, which I love. Valium makes my attacks subside within 5 minutes, rendering me emotionless. Its too bad I am running out. He tells me that Valium is no good if you are depressed, that it exacerbates the symptoms of depression. I think my priority is eliminating my anxiety as much as I can because it has even more terrible effects on my life than my depression.
