Things are slowly getting better. Sometimes I still get down. I want a hug a real hug that means everything even though its so simple. I like how we still can laugh and enjoy each other sometimes. In those moments I feel like everything is back to the way it was but better.
We laugh and its nice. Its like a breath of fresh air that melts my heart. I like that i can laugh. That i can feel happy now. I used to be such an angry person. I was a bad person who made bad choices. I like who I am becoming now. Therapy has helped so much its unbelievable. I used to be so skeptical it would ever work. That all therapist dont really care they just want a paycheck….but thats not true.
Although i think i may need to get on a low dose anti depressant. Sometimes i feel sad and no matter what i get stuck in the sad moment. I have been able to get out of them pretty easy. Which is good. It feels so nice to talk now. Talk with him. Talk in general. My illness kept me thinking i wasnt worthy of being listened to. That i wasnt fun or funny. I still struggle with this sometimes but i understand now…guys just need guy fun and…i'm not a guy.
I find it weird that i'm jealous when other people have fun…but i have fun too which is weird that i'm jealous. I think i need to talk about this with my therapist.. sigh i'm getting there. I will say i'm WAY more happier now than i think i have been my entire life so far. I had a shitty childhood and shitty teen hood. but now…things are looking up. I have a far more better attitude about the future. I have the tools to put those negative feelings in check. even when i have my bad nights i try to get up the next morning with the mindset I will try harder today.
He cuddled with me today…He cuddled me. there was no pulling away just…acceptance. Something so special in that moment. I wanted to just hold tight and never let go. Gives me encouragement and motive. I will never be that person i was ever again. I will never hurt him or anyone like that ever again. I will be better…slowly but surely.
