So my day started with my girlfriend telling me that "We needed to talk". I knew that this conversation was coming because I have been distant for months. I haven’t slept a good nights sleep in a while and Im tired of waking up in the middle of the night and then start to think about all the things in my life that aren’t right!.
So my life has had it’s ups and downs, but nowadays its mostly down. you know when you get that feeling where you’d rather run away, because that’s the easiest option, and you think that things will work themselves out. Am I foolish to think that this is so?, that everything happens for a reason, and although I don’t know why some things happen, there is always some reason behind it??. My life isn’t right, i can feel it in my heart, but I want to run so bad to escape reality.
Let me tell you about my reality. At the moment I am in a Lesbian relationship. But you know what, I don’t even know if thats what i am. I hate labels, I hate knowing that people call me a lesbain, when I don’t feel like that is who I am. That word doesn’t define me and who I am as a person. When you start to label people, thats all others see you as. They don’t see the person, they see the label.
So my life started as any normal kid I suppose, I was a tom boy though who grew up in small country towns. I didn’t have feelings that I liked other girls until I met the person i thought was my "one". Of course i would think that, seeing as how I was only 16 when we met. She was my best friend for a year, until that night when we held eachother’s hands for the first time, and the moment our lips touched. For the next 6 years, I was in a relationship with this girl. It wasn’t the best relationship though, It ended up being an abusive one. Now wether that be with her mind games or because she felt she was tough enough to throw me around when she got angry. Either way I was hurt, and i was stupid enough to stay in the relationship, because I made the mistake of thinking she would change. It ended with her dumping me, because she loved someone else.
Now 6 months had passed, and I was lonely. I didn’t have any friends and I was in a dark place. I then met my current girlfriend, who is the complete opposite to my ex. We’ve been together now for 4 years, and she is a wonderful person. I however have too much baggage and continuously go into a downward spiral every few months. My girlfriend is tired of it, as you can imagine, but she is prepared to put up with me. I however think she is better off with out me and all the shit i put her through. I honestly believe she deserves better.
I’m a loose canon. I feel like I need to be on my own so that I can figure myself out. But she thinks thats just an excuse for me to run away.
So there you go, a little run down on my pathetic life. you know I used to be a good person, a happy person. now I feel like im on a path to self destruction. The worst part is I can’t talk to anybody face to face. I clamp up and dont know what to say. All I know is that I am lost in this great big world, and I’m on my own to figure out what to do.