Had lunch with "friends" today. They were all happy and talking about a party they went to last night but didn’t invite me. Isn’t that rude? Is that polite? I felt completely out of my skin, I’m not a part of them anymore, I’m the outsider that has to ask to be invited in.

This weekend is going to be hard because it’s so long with no classes monday, that means more nights I could be doing something but have nothing/no one to do anything with. I try to look forward, that things will change, that people will adjust, that I’ll make new friends that care about me, that at the very least I can transfer out after this semester. It is hard, but I try to think those things, it isn’t as bad when I’m in my appartment because I don’t have to face the mirror image of what my life should/could look like.

I am at people’s mercy, at their very whims, and somehow I underestimated how great this would be and how awful it feels. I can’t wait till tues, I have logic…with alex. We had lunch again yesterday, talked for so long I was 20 minutes late to my next class. He hasn’t made any serious moves…..I looked him up on facebook (read:stalked) and saw his profile that hasn’t been updated in 3 months. It still says he goes to his old school, he hasn’t posted anything, buttttt it says he is in a relationship….ahhh. I don’t care, I don’t know what to think because he’s definately sending out that vibe….and really, who wants to do the long distance relationship in college? I don’t know maybe a lot of people do. He’s just my one clean slate right now, apart from hannah my roommate, who can sort of speak english.

She was homesick tues, like all day. She came in as I was reading around midnight and we talked for a while. She told me how…..sad she is, how she feels like she is sticking out, and that she’s letting someone down….herself?china?bejing? We will have to do something, although being with her outside the apartment isn’t the same as feeling accepted in a group, far fromo it. I am embarrased by my situation. If alex knew how unloved I was by my friends….would he think twice about being into me? isn’t that not normal? You’re supposed to have someone. All I have are a pannel of judges.

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