I have never met my father. I have no personal pictures of my father I have no contact with his family. I have been searching for him ever since I can remember. Ive never had a step father or any real male figure in my life. People find it hard to except that I have no hate for my father. I have probably romanticised everything, dreaming that he has searched for me but just never found the right lead. I know he probably doesnt even think of me, or maybe he does just on my birthday. I think of him every day. I have a copy of a old black and white picture the size of a passport picture that i keep by my bed, I say good night and good morning to him everyday. I wonder if he has a picture of me?
2 years ago I found a relative. I spoke to them and they vowed to help me, then they disapeared. No longer answered emails, letters, phone calls. WHY WOULD SOMEONE DO THAT. I cant understand why anyone would want to leave a relative out in the cold. This small loss of contact has made me feel more rejected than ever. I feel like I am a dirty little seceret that needs to be hidden. If I am then tell me. if i am the product of an extra marital affair tell me. I am 31 years of age not 15. Im not going to hunt him down and expose him! aarrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh It makes me so angry.
My therapist says that maybe I should stop the search as it is making me worse. I want to shout at her and tell her what ridiculus thing to say!!!!!!! How can I expain it any more simply than this: I have a part of me that is missing, something I have never experienced but there is an innate drive that wont let me rest till I find the missing piece.
I am fully aware of its negative outcomings but surely it cant affect me any more than it already has. I already have the constant readiness for rejection and failure all classic symptons of a fatherless child. The damage is already done!