I have never met my father. I have no personal pictures of my father I have no contact with his family. I have been searching for him ever since I can remember. Ive never had a step father or any real male figure in my life. People find it hard to except that I have no hate for my father. I have probably romanticised  everything, dreaming that he has searched for me but just never found the right lead. I know he probably doesnt even think of me, or maybe he does just on my birthday. I think of him every day. I have a copy of a old black and white picture the size of a passport picture that i keep by my bed, I say good night and good morning to him everyday. I wonder if he has a picture of me?

2 years ago I found a relative. I spoke to them and they vowed to help me, then they disapeared. No longer answered emails, letters, phone calls. WHY WOULD SOMEONE DO THAT. I cant understand why anyone would want to leave a relative out in the cold. This small loss of contact has made me feel more rejected than ever. I feel like I am a dirty little seceret that needs to be hidden. If I am then tell me. if i am the product of an extra marital affair tell me. I am 31 years of age not 15. Im not going to hunt him down and expose him! aarrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh It makes me so angry.

My therapist says that maybe I should stop the search as it is making me worse. I want to shout at her and tell her what ridiculus thing to say!!!!!!! How can I expain it any more simply than this: I have a part of me that is missing, something I have never experienced but there is an innate drive that wont let me rest till I find the missing piece. 

I am fully aware of its negative outcomings but surely it cant affect me any more than it already has. I already have the constant readiness for rejection and failure all classic symptons of a fatherless child. The damage is already done!

1 Comment
  1. metalheadfreak1992 13 years ago

    Alot of people feel like you do right now. I do too, I want a father so bad!! Sometimes I look to the males I see on telivision and males in bands, and think of them as a father, and fallow what they do. But then i finally thought that was really stupid. That I willl never have a father of my own. I have met my father when I was really little, all my family members wanted him gone, and didn't want him near me, but as a daughter I didn't find anything bad about him. I just wanted him to be my father, but he did drugs and drink beer. Then we just lost contact… It's a messed up story. And being a 15 year old high school student I NEED my daddy. I want him so bad! I just want him to hold me and tuck me into bed, and be there for me forever! But that will never happen. Honey, you should keep on looking for him, but if he isn't looking for you then he doesn't want you. I'm sorry, no one should be without their parents. I never had a mother or a father. Though I want a family so bad! But I can't ever.. My mom and dad live miles away. I know where exactly they live, but they just don't want me. I am too young to look for them. But some day when they want me I wont give myself to them, because they had so many years to get me they never even tried.

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