Well today was a terrible day, I had to hurry to scrounge up people to volunteer for a expirement for the project due tomorrow because of my partners slacking. I'm hoping he actually puts the extra stuff in the project and remembers to bring it tomorrow :/ that's still making me nervous, but I didn't want to keep it on my computer because it's a total p.o.s. and I wasn't actually expecting it to work for this whole week, but clearing some space on the c drive seemed to help. Postponing the computer problem for a few weeks is a nice thought. Unfortunately I also am falling behind in a math class, more like being buried alive because dyslexia makes me take twice as long to work through each problem and by the time I'm finished with something the teacher is finishing explaining the next thing. Any other class I can just listen to the teacher say it, and then I know it so all I have to do is write it down on the test. It's extreamly hard not to just give up and walk away from it. It sucks being the stupid child in the class and I always feel like everybody's thinking less of me. I'm also expected to be finishing 2 other projects, studying for 2 ap midterms which are extreamly important for my gpa at this point, applying to another college, and doing scholarships. Today I found out that because of my work schedual (which I've always thought of as normal, but recently ive been figuring out that most people only work half as much and alot of children in advanced classes don't work at all) , and those stupid time consuming classes I haven't been showing up to the fire department very much recently (not at all… but ive always gone when I'm not working on a practice day and I would go to calls, but I keep getting handed the equipment nobody else wants (stuff that dosent work) so my pager dosent work. Well point is I'm not supposed to be expecting any help from there for scholarships, such as letters of recommendation or even being signed of on one through a organization affiliated with them. Nice to know that when someone gets lost or left behind your supposed to leave them behind and be a prick about it. I'd also say that's a concern considering last practice (which I was at) we found out that they are complete morons and can't do a practice search and rescue without losing a person. Where I was taught we were supposed to keep constant physical contact in 0 visibility situations and keep constant communication. I obviously don't like this department much, honestly I really don't plan on becoming a fire fighter there. I'd rather wait till after college to get on a full time department, and before anyone brings it up yes i know I am being an angry, bitter, resentful child about this. Everything has a breaking point and I've been just standing on the line for a while now and tonight I went over it. I had a typically nervous breakdown realizing I was compleatly out of options, I need to work to get money, I need money for a car/ money to get myself through school (I actually have stopped spending money except for reoccurring expenses which I have cut to the minimum and I save everything) and if I work I can not go to the fire department and if I do not go to the fire department I have no money to pay for school… If you give a mouse a cookie… I am stuck choosing one and either way I lose financially and can't get any further in life. In a way the fire service is my mouse, I give it a cookie, and it wants milk, I give it milk, and it wants all my time energy focus motivation effort and soul. In the end I found out that when your completely under water and have finnaly realized your going to drown, you never know who is going to help u out. Suprisingly it was my dad, who I call my dad, but he's a step dad. We live in the same house and as long as there's no complaints to make to eachother we don't talk much, like a few days at a time, just because we only see eachother in passing in the house and don't really have anything to say/ talk about. We get along really well, when we agree on something with the fire department, but the fact that we both are very ambitiouse makes It difficult and unpleasant when we want opposing things. But today he was there for me when I needed it, to help in figuring things out with the fire department, he's going to talk to a paramedic who has been involved in the explorer post trainings, back when we actually had them, and the paramedic guy is probably going to write a letter of recommendation for me, he's also going to be having a meeting with chief over something unrelated, but hes going to mention the reasons I haven't been showing up and then I'm going to meet with the chief. I'm really hoping that things do get better. Attempting to stay positive.

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