Hi, everyone! I have had a crush on my best friend for a while now, and after finally figuring out what it meant I decided to tell her. I really wasn’t sure I wanted to tell her for a very long time, but you see our friendship has always been very intimate, she also never was certain on her sexuality, so I always assumed that she felt the same way about me as I did for her. This just caused my crush to keep growing to the point that it was almost as if in my mind we were dating. Whenever I would see her this would just fill me up with a false hope. So, trying to make sense of all these emotions and feelings I had, I started a free verse sort of thing to express my feelings. I would add too this whenever I needed to, until it came to an end.

I do need to put a bit of a disclaimer though because A I am not a poet so it’s not that fantastic and B the poem is not entirely what happened, it’s what deep down I thought was going on. Also, the names are fake, and I’ll let you figure out who’s who yourself. I hope this can maybe help you relate to some feelings you have experienced, and I thank you for the opportunity for me to share some of the things I have been going through.

She Could Have Been

Lucie

The kiss was exhilarating and thrilling

It felt right.

But it wasn’t,

as in it wasn’t right,

in fact it didn’t even happen

 

I felt this way all through high school

that maybe I liked her

I wasn’t sure

After all why would I

I had a huge history of guys

Those who were interested in me

And of me liking boys.

 

However,

for whatever reason,

her particularly and only her

I felt different,

I questioned who I was.

 

This was challenging

Society would let me have a relationship

With her

I could be attracted

To her

In an open way

But I would have to be sure

 

This was a lot of pressure

I would have hide it

It would have been my only option

To stop the resentment of society.

 

Is this my reality,

do I like girls or,

do I just have a strong bond with her,

do I tell people

do I keep it a secret?

 

Is it worth it,

will this pass,

could she be,

will we be?

 

Erin

I am 16

and no one

I mean no one

has been interested me

Have I been interested in anyone?

 

They ask me who I like

But I don’t know

Nor do I want to share

What would happen if she knew

If others knew

 

I feel I have never loved anyone

Will anyone ever love me

Will she be?

Will I be?

 

Lucie

I could imagine it

It was a vision

Full of passion

Whatever it was

I was content

Satisfied

It was right

 

This was a fantasy

But at times it was real

When I was down she would be there

When I would laugh

I would see her gorgeous smile

 

When I talk

She would listen

We were friends

The best kind of friends around

 

Rarely did we fight

And if we did

We would make up

I could not stand being upset

It would destroy me

 

Erin It was grade 10

The hardest year I’ve had

School was brutal

I hated it.

 

She was there

For me

All the time

Whenever I needed her

She would come

 

I could never admit

How I felt

Or show it

Just to be safe

 

But I saw her fading

And I couldn’t let her go

Summer was here

And we would have some time apart

 

At a party I was more open

I released a bit of my feelings

Of how much I care for her

But just to the point where I was a friendly friend

Because that’s what we are

 

I had a good time

I think she had a good time

It felt right

But I could be wrong

 

Lucie

She started to bother me

As a friend

As whatever else

I got these mixed messages

And well I doubted the possibility

 

This all changed though

One summer afternoon

I felt a connection to her

More than ever before

Which created complexity

Another if

Another maybe

Something I was tired of thinking

 

Erin

Who knows

What could be

I might be better off

To just remain alone

 

Lucie

She was strange

And frustrating

I wanted loyalty

From my friend

 

Sad smiles is all there seemed to be

What went wrong

Was she alright

Was it my fault

It must not be me

 

But she is a person too

She knows what’s right from wrong

I’m worried

I neglected care.

 

Erin

Lucie

It’s me,

Erin.

I miss you.

 

Lucie

At times I thought it was a possibility

Though no matter what

I always appreciated her

Our friendship

 

But then it would just go bad

Were we friends?

We were more?

Our lives would pass by

Without a single spark

 

The talking would not exist

The laughing would die out

Whatever we did was gone

Together, we, us, it felt dead.

 

Yet, it would spark up again

Crying from laughter

Not wanting to be apart

Deep conversations

Appreciation for each other

 

We continued like this

On a rollercoaster

That was on a loop

A cycle

That went on

 

And on

And on

And on

And on

And on.

 

I was getting tired of it all.

 

Erin

I couldn’t do it anymore

Wasting time

I wanted to have hope

Of what could happen

I was suffering with always being sad

I tried to change some things but it didn’t always work

But a lot of the time it didn’t

I had good days and really bad days

 

I started to see someone

Never to talk about her

Just me

Which helped

 

I wanted to be there,

To spend time,

To laugh,

And to have fun

 

Soon enough

My time will be done

This all could come to the end

It’s nearly the end of grade 11 after all

Lucie

I am happy.

Erin

I am happy.

 

Lucie

Like never before she pursued me

She made an effort to spend time with me

I was shocked

And enjoyed every minute of it

 

Erin

Late night movies

Connected smiles

Side by side

It was her and I

 

Lucie

Staying close to keep warm

Wishing on a star

That we will always be

Clinging to her arm

To block out the frigid

Bitter world

 

Erin

I love her.

 

Lucie

Please don’t ever let me go.

 

Erin

Seeing her with someone

Was torture

It made my feelings stronger

But our relationship weaker

 

Lucie

Could this be an allusion

Like chocolate dipped licorice

A bitter sweet

Only a friendship I have with her

 

I am with a him

He is good to me

Will it all be okay

Could these feelings hide from me?

 

Erin

Lucie, are you coming back to me?

 

Lucie

I want to be with her more than him

What’s hidden from me is that desire

The feeling I should feel

But it’s not there

 

It ended

There will be no one

I will be a lone

Never satisfied

 

I just want her

 

Erin

Something was wrong

It was my chance

To talk, and be there for her

I reach out

She comes

 

Lucie

Her soft hand reaches for me

I don’t take it

I should have.

I go with her

I break down

 

What was wrong with me?

I don’t even know

I hated everything

Just not her

 

Erin

I check in on her

Make sure she’s okay

I care so much about her

I help her and I am happy

 

Then she’s happy

I offer her a hug

She accepts

 

Lucie

I embrace in her arms

And wish I wasn’t wearing a leather coat

That blocks her warmth

I wish I wasn’t getting wet salty tears on her

I wish I wasn’t a mess

I wish it didn’t have to end

That I could stay in her arms

Forever and ever

Could she be?

Will we be?

 

Erin

Things were good again

I like to be with her

We just knew we were meant to be together

 

Lucie

All this time I had been waiting

For something I can’t say

I’m too ashamed

But it happened

 

It was beautiful

She was

Remarkable

It just happened

In a way I didn’t expect it

But it was okay

Her and I seemed normal

I thought she knew.

 

Erin

What was happening?

Her head on my shoulder

Us spending time alone

Flattering Gestures

 

Lucie

She must know

How could she not?

 

Erin

She said: “I need to tell you something.”

 

Lucie

No running back now

It’s almost out

Maybe then we could be

But there’s no time

No way

What the heck

 

Erin

I didn’t know it was that important

 

Lucie

“I am”

 

Erin

“So who do you like?”

 

Lucie

“I can’t say yet.”

 

Erin

“Okay”

 

Lucie

We didn’t talk much after that

Which left me confused

More than before

It didn’t make sense

 

So I just told others

Because if one thing was for sure

Even if I didn’t know what we were

I knew I was

 

In and out of my life

The sun would set

And it would come back

But when it was gone

It was dark

 

Where did she go?

Where the hell is my friend

My favourite person

My love

 

Erin

“Hey, how’s it going?”

Lucie

Ecstatic

Overjoyed

Active

Content

 

Erin

“I’ll talk to you later”

Lucie

 

Sad

Unsure

Melancholy

Tears

 

Erin

“I’m busy.”

 

Lucie

Anger

Frustrated

Confused

What are we?

 

Erin

Friends

Good friends.

 

Lucie

More

And more

Tears

Everything at once.

Moving on,

Disappointed,

No more of her

I hate love.

 

I hate life

Without her

What is love?

And what was…

 

Erin

Friends?

Lucie

That time your hand was in mine

Erin

Friends

Lucie

That time your head rested on my chest

Erin

Just Friends

Lucie

That time you said you would never let me go

Erin

Good friends

Lucie

But we laughed

Our faces inches apart

I felt your breath

As mine

You came to me

You were there too

We did everything together

We were together

Erin

As friends

And that’s the end. I think you can probably see how it turned out, and that’s okay. For those out there who like their best friend, are currently getting over it or were able to move on, I just want to say you’re not a lone. I was fortunate to say that my friend and I are still best friends, but it is still hard. I feel like I need to keep boundaries and I still get a bit jealous when she is with my other friends. Then there’s the fake break-up I have to go through. So for those going through this, I would encourage you to express your emotions one way or another, because bottling it up is never good. Moreover, I would encourage you to be honest with your friend, especially if you are at the point where your liking them has affected your friendship and your personal wellness. Because regardless of how it turns out, if you never tell them, you will never know, and you will continue to ask yourself the question: Could she have been?