Last night didn’t go as planned, or as hoped.  What I’ve been trying to accomplish…  hits the wall…  like an unwanted plate of food…  like the rest of my life…  I’m so tired, and fed up, today.  So full of bitterness, and impatience.  I am dying for some fucking tenderness and understanding.  I am about to rip my skin off with my fingernails because I just can’t stand the lack of connection and human contact I’ve been existing with.  And, anytime I think I cantake it, he throws something else at me that makes me want to shut down, and die.  I tell myself it’s not his fault.  It’s wrong to resent him.  But, he loves me, and won’t say it when he leaves.  And, he said we’re over, but he knows I’m waiting around in the hopes that we’re not, and if he’s still sure we’re over, he shoudl say so (as much as I don’t want to hear it), and if he thinks there’s some small hope, he should say that.  Just, keeping his distance, in words, and keeping me close, in almost every way that matters (except for some really important ones – saying "I love you," and screwing are pretty important), without giving me any REAL indication what’s going on.  It’s not fair.  I know I hurt him, but it’s been around a month and a half now (about that, time kind of blurs, when I try to think about it), and I’ve been by his side, doing whatever he asked of me, patiently waiting for some morsel of forgiveness or understanding.  I mean, is understanding so much to ask?  He knew I was getting worse, psychologically, and he said nothing.  He knew I was in complete denial about it, and he ignored the situation.  To avoid the confrontation…  and, I think to avoid owning up to his part in making it worse (if he admitted what was happening, he’d have to admit that I was getting nuttier, while he was continuing to get high with me, knowing what effect that would have on my unbalanced mind – greater imbalance, of course.  And, missing Quinn sucks, of course.  There’s nothing for it.  I just have to get out there, and try to make some new friends.  Longing for Quinn to come back won’t help me any, that’s for sure.  I’m so tired, and worn down.  I keep telling myself everything will be easier after the kick.  But, then, I fucked it up, again, last night.  I guess, I looked like I was in pain, and he asked me if I needed something.  That’s all it takes to push me over the edge, really.  It’s impossible to explain the hold this stuff has on you.  I feel ancy and lazy and I need a shower.  I am more determined today.  I won’t let mysef mess up tonight.  I know I’ll never get my act together, or my health, for that matter, if I don’t do this.  And, I won’t know if there’s any hope for my love and I, until this shit’s out of the equation.  God, I do love him.

But, that doesn’t make this limbo any less lonely.  I miss my best friend, so much.  Need to make some new friends.  I can’t replace Quinn, of course, but maybe, if I had more friends, I wouldn’t be so lonely, and I wouldn’t think so much about all the times Quinn and I laughed together, or about all the times we sang together while he played guitar.  Maybe, if I had more friends, and more of a life, my heart would have less time to break.  

Charlie loves me.  He knows I love him.  He knows I haven’t spoken to Quinn, in all this time.  Charlie sleeps by my side, and holds me every night, and spends all his free tim with me.  But, I feel like…  any time I start to develop some hope, he picks up on it, and gets distant, again.  I don’t know if he does this because he genuinely doesn’t know what he wants, because he genuinely still plans to leave, or because he doesn’t think I deserve to have hope yet, and he wants to punish me some more.  Normally, I would say Charlie is not as petty as the latter, but infidelity brings out strange qualities in people, once it’s out in the open.  Look at Quinn’s behavior.  Hiding out, ths whole time, without so much as checking up on me…  its just awful.  If he were anyone else, I would NEVER forgive him for that, but he’s my best friend, and I can’t stop caring about him, no matter how poorly he behaves.  I can’t tell you how much I miss the life I had before this all went bad.  Before Xmas, when Quinn would come n the weekends, and nothing wrong would happen – we’d just have a blast, and all was right with the world (actually, a  lot was wrong, but compared to now…).  God, I want that back, but now, I can’t ever have it, again.

Talked to my friend Maggie last night about Charlie and Quinn.  Charlie had run to her as soon as he found out about me and Quinn.  She and Quinn used to date way back when (and Quinn pined over her for years).  My group’s pretty odd.  She said she still thinks he’s coming back.  But, she also feels disheartened and unsure, because she thought he’d of come back by now (Quinn’s been ducking her and Jordan, as well).  I still have some hope that he’ll resurface, at some point, and that somehow or another, we’ll be able to keep our friendship alive, but…   I know nothing.  And, I don’t know what to do with myself.  I just want my friend back.  But, I have no idea what he’s thinking, or if he ever plans on talking to me, again.  It’s hard for me to imagine him staying away forever, but I never imagined he would duck out like this.  Some distance I get…  but no emails…  no phone calls…  nothing…  I’m not some skank.  I’m his best friend.  How do you just walk away?

I love Charlie so much, but I don’t know how to make it better with him.  I don’t have the energy to do everything I want to do for him (stuff like fixing up the apartment), and I haven’t had the strength to gut through this kick, yet, and that’s gonna be what makes all the difference for us, if anything does.  I know I’m betting a lot on this kick, but it has to happen, anyway, and I really think it’ll make a whole lot possible that otherwise wouldn’t be.  I think we’ll both be stronger and better able to love each other.  At least, I hope so.  Even if it doesn’t help to fix everything…  it will make things a lot better.  A lot easier… 

it’ll make things seem possible, again.

And, I’m longing for some decent possibilities, right now.    

– Kit