I have been through this too many times to count and I feel hopeless in the fact that I will ever get better.  I have struggled with alcoholic for years and have gone sober many times but I always end up back down the same road and I am ready to give up.  What  I am good at is being a Chef and I am not strong enough to be in that type of environment, I thought I was but nope feel down once again.  Now I don't know what to do with myself with no job it's had to get help when your not insured.  I know the reason I drink is because I am depressed and have a lot on my plate.  My family seems to think that my drinking is an excuse and no matter what anyone says to them they think I staged the conversation to please their ears.  I guess what really hurts is being told I am a bad father I love my little girls and it is a major reason I drink I caught my wife cheating on me 4 years ago and we split up.  If you have kids then you know how no drug in the world or shitty day can make up for the way their smiling faces hit you when you walk through that door after a long day. I see them every other week and my god if I didn't feel like a little girl myself after dropping them off I usually cry the whole drive home cause they cry saying they don't want to go home because their mother doesn't pay them any attention instead she is busy with a different guy everyday which I have to hear about from them. This leads me to drink to rid myself of the lump in my chest and feeling of not being able to do anything about it cause I have no job right now and I live with my parents how pathetic is that? 34 and I live with mom and dad. Finding a job is next to impossible with the way the market is these days and I feel like I am stuck under a boulder.  I can't say how helpless I feel and to be honest I am so tired of hearing it will get better cause over the last 3 years it has gotten worse and worse and worse.  This is a stupid thing to even think or say but there have been many times I have just thought about taking out a good life insurance policy so my kids can have a good life without the burden of an alcoholic father and just ending it.  Yeah selfish very selfish but aside from AA which gets on my nerves sometimes cause I really get tired of people who have 20 years sober talking through the meeting about the same shit they talked about the first day they walked through the door 20 years ago.  Maybe they think they are helping but for me it is depressing and I leave feeling worse than before I came.  I watch intervention and laugh must be nice to get sent away to a million dollar rehab facility which most of us don't have the luxery. Some of the rehab places here treat you like your the worst person on the planet and you just murdered their whole family so I stop going.  I am thankful for this website because I know I am not alone in the struggle and it feels good to blog cause I need to release my feelings to people who have a clue cause no one arround me has a clue I wish they did then maybe I wouldn't feel so alone.  Thanks for letting me ramble.

-Jimmy

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