up late by myself, alone and scared of my own inactivity. i don’t want to see anyone anymore, people are just a reminder of failures…of me failing. im so stressed by work that i am afraid will not get done, or not done properly. writing a 15 page paper that I MUST get an a on to get an a in the class…and i need an a in every class i can get one in…my gpa is seriously low, and its junior year, what happens if i try to get into law school with lackluster grades…i dont think you get in…at all. im worried about my mother seeing my bad grades too. all my classes except logic, i want to get a’s in, because im praying for a c in logic, and i just want something to be normal and function correctly. i don’t need another dissapointment but i feel…still kind of discombobulated.
Psych. amy gave me concerta…which is some kind of riddlin based drug to help me study. I take two a day. I snorted one earlier, just to see how it would feel….basically the same, a little better, the pills really let me sleep alot less, but im such a mess just in general its hard to pull myself together to write all these papers.
i felt bad about the boy i liked today. i think i realize, even though i hope not, that despite what he says, he doesn’t think i have the potential to be his girlfriend. went out with him thurs and he told me all this bs about liking me, but after friday, made no attempts to see/talk to me. I txted him today to invite him over but he was at a review session. i asked him to just tell me if he didn’t want to see me in the future, to let me move on if he doesn’t see the possbility of there being a relationship. he said he wants to see me in the future. i hate men, and i hate him for screwing up so many times and not getting why, or not understanding my lack of trust in him. i hate myself for liking him like noone ive ever known and for giving him all these chances to break my heart. part of me just does not understand how he can say he wants all this stuff with me, and asks me to be with him, tells me he wants a relationship…and then…he is different than any guy i know, i swear, either he is the world’s biggest asshole or he is a complete fool…i think….if he liked me, he would ask to see me, he would want to see me, if he couldn’t come today he’d say some other time to meet. he didn’t. he doesnt like me. but i just wish he had the balls to give me some peace and admit it instead of pulling at my heartstrings. i feel like i will never get the chance to tell him how much his games have fucked with me. am pathetic.