So I'm back. I'm feeling even lower than I had been feeling this morning. It always seems to happen that way. I'm ok for a couple hours in the morning and then I slowly deteriorate. Not fun. Anyway, all I can think about is how sad would this world really be without me? Iv been fighting life ever since I can remember. Cutting, in and out of the hospital, attempted suicide. First one back when I was 16. I'm now 33 and nothing has changed. If anything its gotten worse. I mean who would want to continue like that? Iv gone for help but now because of circstances I can't even go for help anymore. I'll get into that later. Screw it. I'll jump ahead and tell ya. Me and my ex broke up in 2010. It was a hell relationship. I did everything for him. From ironing his clothes, completely being the sole care giver for our daughter while he went put drinking to even personally handing his toothbrush to him in the mornings when he asked. Now most ppl would would say ” why would you stay?”. Well I'll be the first one to say….Dont judge because u Dont know what any situation is like until your in it yourself. Finally I left him and 2 years later after hearing constantly that I'm the reason our daughter is growing up in a broken home, I decided to give it another chance. We moved across the country for his work and I sold all my belongings, car, quit my job to give it another shot. Unfortunately two weeks after we moved across country I found pit he had another girl pregnant down home. Yes, he failed to tell me this. He convinced this poor girl to jabe an abortion, that he wasnt ready for more kids but if she had an abortio. He would ” make up for it with a baby down tje road”. Funny cause that what he told me when i was 23. Sooooo, I took pur daughter and moved home. I was devastated. I ended up in the hospital twice since then because of terrible depression. Well a couple months ago I decided to move to a new city and finally try and take control of my life. I was determined to live the best way I knew how. I was told if you continue to do what you've always done, Dont expect anything to change. Soooo….ir was a year since i had been in hospital and i was feeling good.I decided to do the opposite of what I was use to. My dauhters father was still across country working at this time and still is. Well….when I got here I was served with papers to return home. My ex went to a lawyer and said if I Dont return home with our daughter he would try for custody!!! His reasoning…he requested all of my mental heath records and said I wasn't stable enough to be in a city. Keep in mind, he lives 3000 moles away! So here I am with a full time job, so proud and happy that I took such a big step and again my life comes crashing down. Iv since quit my job and am in the middle of moving home. Even though everyone tells me he is crazy and no judge in the world would take a child from a mother just because they were depressed, the thought of possibly losing her is more than I can bare. I have lost 15 pnds in the last three weeks do to stress alone. So, this is where I stand. I feel completely hopeless….worthless and a burden to everyone I meet. I'm waiting for things to get better….it has to right? Oh…one more thing. He is obsessed with me and knows I'm seeing someone here in the city. This is the reason he wants me to return home. If he can't have me no one can. 4 days ago he told me to just “forget everything and go to Jamacia” with him!!!!! Who is the one who really needs help here??


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