So this is the 1st time ive written anyhting like this. I struggle to be frank and honest on Facebook so this really is new territory for me. im not even expecting anyone to read it. BUT….to share the load im going to try and write how im feeling. Honestly!!!

Im fucking pissed. and terrified. Last week, i started the process. i have tried and failed and on a couple of occasions succeded to quite my addiction., for a little while to give up. give up what exactly is a harder question i have found out this week.

Yesterday i had my first ''meeting'', and today i had addiction counselling, then my 1 2 1 counselling and now this evening i walked over the threshold of an NA group. and i thought i would be ok as im lucky enough to cope quite well with meeting new eople but, shit me. I was bricking it. my Anxiety went through the fucking roof.

I have discovered and finally admitted to myself that not only ami addicted to weed. but im a full blown addict. realising this started while i was very young, it carried over everything, physical, food, routines, and obviously substances. my main big issue is weed and opiates, but my opiates are prescribed due to a rare medical condition that is incureable and i know i am never going to be able to go with my pain medication as i can barely walk as it is at 28, And do you know what, finding out that not only do i need to stop EVERYTHING, but im never goin to be able to actaully say, ' im clean and free of all substances.

I begin to start to think through all this on my way back home and as i walk in my partner, being in a bad mood. procceded to do and say everything that not only contradicts everything he has been nagging me about, the money, the time blaah blahh. but he has also left me feeling, well like ' what the fuck'. you dont want me to smoke or use. yet ur not willing to let me have 2 hours each evening to get real help and get better.

How can u be clean if you still have shite in your system?

how can u get across to someone who isnt an addict themselves that u need to go and get this help to get better.

all i want is to get my life back. but oh no wherever i turn someone is blocking me. represing Lucy.

i will admit, im bloody tiered.

anyways if u hav read this. Thankys for taking the time.

i apologise for the spelling and grammer cock ups, but i have dyslexia. x

cheers.

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