I have always been the "jealous" type. Insecurity, fear of abandonment, "daddy" issues, who knows why, but I've had a real problem trusting men. In my first serious relationship I was the  stereotypical, crazy girlfriend: "Where were you? Who were you with? What did you do? Are you looking at her? You're cheating on me!" Maybe because of this, my boyfriend eventualy DID cheat on me. It wasn't as earth-shattering as I had imagined it would be; I wasn't in love with him anymore. I now think maybe I never really was.

When I met my now-husband, *D*, I thought things would be different. The first year we were together was GREAT and I didn't even have the urge to snoop! Things moved pretty quickly though. After 6 months of dating, we moved in together; 2 months after that we were engaged and planning a wedding.

I don't know if it was the onslaught of stressful events that kept popping up, a new birth control pill I started taking or a combination of the two, but after about a year and a half with *D* I went into a mild depression. It was something I had never dealt with, before or since. During this time, the jealousy started creeping back in and before long I was making all the usual accuasions and driving my fiance' away.

At the insistance of *D* I started seeing a phychiatrist, whom I immedietly asked for a script of Wellbutrin. (I had taken a low dose of Prozac a few years before for mild anxiety. It worked miracles while simotaneously killing my sex drive.) I'd heard Wellbutrin could possibly increase sex drive so I was actaully a little excited to try it. After the usual 3-4 weeks, the depression started to lift and my libedo DID go WAY up. But then the panic started.

I was no stanger to anxiety and had had a couple of bad panic attacks in the past but this was unlike anything I'd experienced before. I was a completle mess. Anxious, panicky, depressed and, when it came to *D*, paranoid.  Naturally, being around me became unbearable for him and he started spending more and more time at his friends' and family's house without me. This only fueled my anxiety and depression.

Since the Wellbutrin clearly wasn't working, I tried Prozac again, which as it turned out, no longer worked for me. By this time, I was completly fed up with meds and the seemingly-uninterested doctor I had been seeing. I quit taking any and all medication and started seeing a phycologist who specialized in anxiety and depression. She began teaching me relaxtion techniques (which worked almost immedietly!) and doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

After 4-5 months of seeing her every other week and doing CBT "homework" on my own, I started feeling drastically better.  I learned how to stop the anxiety I felt from turning into panic attacks. I began to trust *D* and didn't feel much (if any) anxiety when he occasionally went out, I started to like and appriciate myself and I no longer felt depressed. Eventualy, I went months at a time without experiencing very much anxiety. My relationship did a complete 180 and I can honestly say that we are happier and more in love than most of the couples I know.

All that happend 2 years ago. I have been depression-free but still struggle with mild anxiety. For the most part, I have felt GREAT! But the last 5 months have been a little difficult. Im not sure how or why it started, but I have started to worry that I'll become "panicky" or depressed again. Its so strange bacause for awhile I felt totally "over it" but now I am haunted by my experience. I use the CBT teqchniques I learned to difuse the worry and it helps for awhile but it keeps coming back. I still see the therapist once a month and she assures me I'm much better than I use to be but I stil get scared everytime I see a damn Cymbalta commercail!

I just want some lasting, natural peace of mind!!!





1 Comment
  1. kizeemimi 14 years ago

    Thank you for the reassurance, suggestion & support. I do have a negative thought journal and that helps a lot. Most of the time I'm fine and know I'll be fine but sometimes those thoughts get going and its hard to turn them off! Its nice to have found this place where other people know what you're going through 🙂 

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