Ok so last night was just another night I tried to relax that ended in disaster. I try try try to get my head away from anxiety, but it seems I walk right into it… I've been watching a lot of conspiracy videos on You Tube, just to keep my mind occupied… maybe they are getting to me, maybe I'm just nuts, I don't know.
Today is just bad, it's real bad, I'm very very anxious after last night. I drank too much, and I was trying to have a good time, just relaxing at home,then K texted me. It all seemed so surreal… he finally found my FB page and I never wanted him to see what I wrote but I was too dumb to change it. He didn't say anything about the FB page in his texts, he just alluded to it… He was saying that I owe him a drink, being friendly and all, but when he alluded to my page, I freaked out a little. Then he left a couple of comments on mutual friends pages, nothing to do with me, it just freaked me out. See, in the almost 4 yrs that I've been on FB, I've never, ever seen or looked at K's page and I have never seen a comment by him eventhough we DO have mutual friends. Just seeing him on there freaked me out. I felt like I couldn't get away. I mean, that's the problem with FB, NOTHING is private on there. And it scared me to have K reading my comments to our mutual friends.
See, K asked me about a month ago if I wanted to be friends on FB or would it be too weird. (since we are ex's)I told him politely that it would be a little uncomfortable. So that's how I got out of that one. SHIT. I didn't want him to see the stupid "about me" section which I wrote when I was drunk, why I didn't change it I don't know… it isn't funny and he probably doesn't like me anymore after reading it now I am really freaking out.
And listen to this shit!! It sounds like a bunch of High School drama! I am an adult in my 30's and I'm still living this stupid cyber life. I can't stand it. I just want some peace.
Now don't get me wrong, I was happy to hear from him last night, but the whole situation was freaking me out. I was already stressed, drunk, having watched 100 conspiracy videos, I wasn't ready or prepared to hear from K, I thought he'd dissapeared again. So now I'm completely paranoid that he saw my FB page and wants nothing to do with me, although he didn't say anything like that, his texts stopped around the time I noticed he left the comments for our mutual friends.
Today I am panicking so bad I can not eat a thing. I am a stressed out wreck. I'm weak and exhausted. I haven't slept. I blame part of it on drinking too much yesterday and part of it on being anxious over K. I don't know what to do next and I'm disappointed in myself for not having control.
I guess I have to just move on from here. I can only go foreward. I know that K thinks of me, I just hope he's not thinking anything bad.