I am so unhappy, right now.  I really just wish that I could disappear.  Like when I was a little girl, and I used to fall asleep wishing I wouldn’t wake up.  I used to pray for it.  So futile…

Back when I really wanted to die, I was in great health.  If my faith isn’t misplaced, and there is a God, you’ve gotta admit – he’s a pretty funny guy.  Dark humor, I suppose, but that’s the kind I like, so, I guess I can’t complain, too much.

Some bitch at outpatient tried to pick a fight with me, today, because I still call Maria my friend.  Wasn’t even defending her actions, or talking to said bitch – she just jumped up into my conversation, and my face, and pissed me off to no fucking end.

I’ve had this really strong impulse to cut my wrists, tonight.  Or, maybe just one of them…  I am not sure. 

I always start the day (after I get over being sick – my stomach problem flares up just about every morning, and no, it isn’t morning sickness – not unless I have been knocked up for five years, now) thinking I am going to do better…  and then, paralysis catches up…  and I accomplish next to nothing.

I am frightened, and lonely.

And, confused… 

So confused…

I don’t know why it’s been so bad, lately.  Maybe, the whole August thing is still screwing my mind up.  Probably…  I guess, I wanted to tell myself that I was getting past all that – like if I could act it out, it would eventually be true.

More later…


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