I am so fed up with myself right now, frustrated and bummed out. I am ok with the reasons why I wash, I am even more or less ok with how often I include washing up to my elbows (for no real reason)….but what is just killing me is the amount of soap I use. It is just out of control. I just bought a 1.65 L soap refill last evening, like after supper time….and its almost gone…not even 24 hours later. Its so ridiculous, and expensive, and embarassing, and I know that I might get yelled at by hubby if he notices, and I deserve that because this is too much. I know why I do it, the various factors in my life that increase my stress or anxiety and lead to more washing issues….the habit/ritual reasons I cant seem to break regarding the number of pumps of soap and repeats. I know that I just need to use a pump or two of soap wash for 20 seconds and sit with the anxiety in order to get better…but I just cant seem to do it. The anxiety isnt even bad, for the reasons for initially walking up to the sink….or when I finally leave I am satisfied with the washing, but the actual act of washing is anxiety provoking, I think because Im so worked up that Ill get "stuck" and use too much soap, ect…it just goes on and on. Right now Im fed up because it looks like I have to make an excuse again to go out to the store tonight and get more soap….because ocd or not we need to wash our hands….and I dont want to go out tonight, I dont want to deal with my husbands questions or irritation with me and I dont want to buy more soap that will just be gone tomorrow. How did I "beat" so many of my other ocd issues and yet Ive been hung up on using too much soap for so long? Why cant I just stop or at least be strong enough to reduce it?

1 Comment
  1. KylaRose21 10 years ago

    Reading your blogs I feel so similar in our struggles. My heart goes out to you for the stress your family puts on you. Isnt it enough that we struggle with ourselves? Do we really need to add being shamed or punished by others? I havent found it to be helpful… it just makes me feel worse, resentful, and try to hide my compulsions. [br] [br] Stay strong! Were all cheering you on, even if just from our keyboards. 🙂 [br] [br] Its awesome and inspiring that youve beat so many issues already! Youll get there with the washing too. I dont have the answers-Im fighting the same battle. Ive had some luck reducing time/soap by sheer will because I got SO frustrated I couldnt stand it anymore and just stopped parts of my routine/ritual. I started by eliminating the more unusual parts like having to raise my hand a certain way away from the soap pump or having to automatically wash 3 times in a row. Thats SO hard but once youve done it, you can remind yourself that it was ok that time so you can be more confident the next. I also have a lot of trouble with thinking I touched the inside of the sink while rinsing, so I did an exposure with my hands pressed to the bottom of the sink. That was another effort born of absolute frustration with myself. It took a lot to get the nerve to do it. That exposure helped but its not perfect yet cuz I did wash the sink before I did that exposure (the sink was really gross that day cuz it hadnt been cleaned in a while so that wasnt totally ocd). But progress is still progress! [br] [br] It gives me hope and comfort to know Im not alone. Hopefully it helps you too. All the best!

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