Well, I made it through yesterday and my therapy appointment. Since last week\’s contamination exposure sent me into crisis, we tried something a lot less difficult emotionally for me. We worked on my perfectionism obsessions/compulsions when it comes to writing. I had to write a sentence without being allowed to fix anything (fixing eveness of letter lines, letter height evenness, ink darkness consistency, spacing, and making all letters in a sentence that are the same look the same–like the same tail on g\’s, j\’s, y\’s…). It was still very anxiety producing, but not nearly as much as the hair exposure was last week. I was having anxiety and frustration and wanting to resort to compulsions (and sometimes doing them), but at least I wasn\’t having an emotional breakdown.
I\’ll continue to work on this specific exposure every day until my next appointment next Monday. I\’m supposed to do this by writing a note to my mom once a day without making my corrections and trying not to resort to compulsions during or after. I\’m very nervous about doing this, but hopefully my mom will push me to do my exposure every day instead of just avoiding it.
So, I made it through yesterday, and it\’s time to face another day. I am out of my pain medication, but my doctors office hasn\’t gotten back to the pharmacy to renew my prescription. It\’s frustrating, since if they would have simply called the pharmacy back yesterday, I wouldn\’t be facing withdrawl and excess pain today and as long as they put off calling back the pharmacy. I\’m already past due for my next dose and hurting and feeling withdrawls. I know that they will only get worse. Withdrawl from codeine is one of the worst physical feelings that I have ever experienced. I understand why addicts that use it illegally would have a hard time quitting even to the point where it ruins their lives. I get to the point where I wouldn\’t have any problem with buying some off of the street illegally if it meant that I could get my medicine (and I am a goody two-shoes). Of course, I don\’t know where I would find anyone to sell me some, and even if I did, my family is a good support and would help keep me out of trouble. I probably wouldn\’t actually do it, even if I had the chance, but the fact that I have considered it an option before because of the suffering I was going through shows you how physically dependent I am on this medication (as well as how much pain I have to deal with).
Wish me luck. I\’ll just try to keep myself distracted and hope that my doctor\’s office decides to return the call TODAY.