It’s 2:30, I was supposed to be in bed nearly three hours ago, how do I get this to stop? I’m crying and I’m mad and I’m still looking at that girl’s profile and I’ll never get better this way, could someone who knows what this sort of obsessive behavior feels like please help me? How do you stop it, what do you do? A counselor I was seeing last year told me to put a rubber band on my wrist and to snap it every time I felt obsessive thoughts coming on because they were causing my anxiety attacks. But I read up on it online and some people are against it so I’m not sure what I should do but this isn’t just ruining my relationship…just when my boyfriend is ready to finally grow up and behave…but it’s ruining my health and my ability to even function and that’s what I’m really worried about. This is always how it started, I’d grasp onto something and obsess and cry and yell for months and I don’t want to do it again but it’s not as easy as just stopping, it’s almost like an addiction, just a really really stupid one. ;_;

Mind you, breaking up with my boyfriend isn’t a solution because I’d still hate her…I’d probably hate her even more than I do now…and he’s not doing anything wrong, he even put up with me crying off and on all day today. And then after he went to bed, he was worried about me so he came back to check on me knowing that I’m irritable anyways. 🙁

And if I were to be honest with myself, I sort of think part of this hatred is coming from the fact that even though he told her about me and asked her to stay away, she texted him the next morning and by then, he was irritated with the whole thing and just wanted away because she wouldn’t leave him the fuck alone. And yet she’s having a great life, she found some other guy to go down on and obsessive over like a stupid slut and some part of me thinks that at this point in my life…I’ve just become a very hateful person because I don’t want her to be happy. Whether I am or not, I hate her guts and I hope her life sucks as much as she told him it does for attention. And yes, I’m fully aware of how unhealthy that is. I’m also aware that she’s not my problem and that she’s gone and he chose me and that she’s just some stupid slutty teenager who’ll probably end up knocked up within a year anyways and all this other good junk but like I said above, this is sort of similar to the attacks I had before where the obsessive thoughts just start coming on and I can’t get them to stop so right now I think the goal is to find a way to disrupt them. 🙁

I also kind of wonder if it’d be beneficial to find someone to talk to, just a friend, someone new. I sort of want to find a guy just like he found a girl, not out of spite but because I always feel like I’m a good girl and like he knows everything about me and I sort of just want a secret or a friend to myself whether he approves or not because I’m tired of being so faithful and devoted that I need approval first, not because he demands it but just because that’s the type of girlfriend I am. He’s already said that he understands my need to have a life and that as long as I’m not doing stuff out of spite that it’s okay but when I look people up, I’m too afraid to even message them, I’m even a chicken online. 🙁

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