I have never talked much about my past because no one has really ever cared about it. But since I am pretty much talking to myself now I guess it is ok.  So, lets begin with my birth. In the year 1990, my mother seperated from her husband and got a cuban boyfriend, who impregnated her. Before she knew she was pregnant she went back to her husband because she wanted to try and make her marriage work. When she found out she was pregnant her husband told her he would care for the baby (me) as his own. He is still my Daddy today. The real father of said baby met her twice as an infant and decided that was enough. He bought her some earrings for her first birthday and a teddy bear. He then got married and had real children. Well Mommy and Daddy divorced when I was two. She remarried Kelly, my brothers dad. For a long time he was my daddy too. My other daddy, Pat, was in denver and I rarely saw him. Things were ok for awhile, I had a nice happy family. When I was about eight Kelly got into a really bad car accident. Shortly after that his cousin who was a teenager then, raped me. No one knows about that. When Kelly came home from the hospital he was a very different and very angry person. He was no longer my daddy. Instead he became someone that I was terrified of. He slapped and pushed me around and once threw my older brother down the stairs while I watched. He only did it when my mom wasn’t looking (I later found out he was beating and raping her), once only a few feet away from her. The last time he hurt me I was 13. I asked to get on the computer and he ripped into me for asking. So I went crying to my mom who told me to spend the day in my room (she was going to work). I walked out of the bathroom where she was getting ready and kelly followed me into my bedroom. He picked me up out of my computer chair and threw me onto my bed, and then shoved his knee into my chest. He is a big guy and I was a little girl. He then proceeded to yell at me in a whisper but thankfully my mom walked in on it. We moved out a few months later and to the town I am currently living it. My mom married her current husband who has always made me feel like a piece of shit. He treats everyone badly but goes out of his way to criticize and demean me. My mom has since started drinking frequently and treating me much the same as he does. For about three out of the four years I have lived here I was very much in love with a guy who walked all over me. The friends I had in middle school were Aholes and the ones I had in high school just took a little longer to become suckish. My entire freshman year I spent hiding from rumors and stares. My senior year of high school I became a druggie, lost the best friend I ever had, and spent some time in the psych ward of a hospital. WIth crazy ten year olds. I was also recently informed by my family that they all think I am a bad person.  And the entire time I have been dealing with a disorder that most people don’t even think is real. I do have a boyfriend who I love and who loves me but our relationship is getting weaker by the second partially because I am so messed up. I know it sounds cliche and stupid and like I’m just asking for attention but its all true. And you know what maybe I am asking for some attention. But the good kind. I don’t get much of that. People wonder why I am so messed up and such a bad person. Well gee I can’t think of any possible reason for that.

1 Comment
  1. sonar 11 years ago

    You are not talking to yourself.

    Even when people don”t have the insight to comment, there”s plenty in your blogs to take in.

    There”s nothing about you that makes you a bad person.

    0 kudos

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