I have no friends I can hang with and talk to anymore. They have all left me for various reasons… My life has just taken a sudden turn for the worst. I had an ex who was a crazy ass bitch who fucked me over at every twist and turn. She gave birth to a daughter and claimed it was mine… I denied it due to the fact that she cheated on me so many times and was cheating on me before the pregancy. Well the test arrived and she is mine… Whoop-ti-fucking-doo. I don’t want her. I’m married to a wonderful woman, I have a happy life (except no job and living with in-laws), and not much to complain about. But now… Now my wife thinks I’m going to leave her because I had mixed emotions last time I saw my ex, which I won’t because I have matured since then. She believes we won’t be able to start a family for a lot longer then a couple of years, treats me as if this doesn’t affect her, and treats me like I don’t care that it affects her.

I don’t know what to do… I don’t want this child in my life because of her mother… Because I want to cut all contact with that bitch. I know some people may view me as heartless and tell me that I shouldn’t have gotten her pregnant in the first place. True, I shouldn’t have… But the past is done and nothing can change it. This isn’t even helping me feel better… Maybe someone can help me with that… Maybe I’m fucked and just have to learn to deal with it… All I know is that now more then ever… I want to cut… I never have before.

I have always thought about cutting myself to help the emotional pain… I have always thought about killing myself so others can be happy… But I always realized that the others wouldn’t be happy… And the pain of cutting has always stopped me… But now the pain seems so friendly… Not death, I fear what’s beyond death, but that’s for a different conversation. The pain of cutting seems so friendly… So warm… So comforting… Just taking a knife and cutting Glasgow Smile into my face so I’m smiling all the time… So I look happy to the ignorant fucks who occupy and waste the space in my life

 

1 Comment
  1. sleeper24g 11 years ago

    How ya doin” Hatter? We talked before, and we seemed to get along OK, so I”m saying this as a friend. You say somthing in your blog, that stood out to me:  "The past is done, and nothing can change that" but there”s something you”re not considreing, part of YOUR past may be done, (you having sex with your ex) but the child, has no past yet, only a future. You said you don”t want anything to do with your ex, (that”s fine) you have a beautiful wife and a happy life. Well, the child has no choice, she can”t do anything about her future, (not for quite a while. It doesn”t matter if you and your ex hate each other, you and her created this child. Don”t let the contempt you have for your ex, affect a child that is litteraly, half you. This child is completely helpless, she can only depend on adults, your ex, you former inlaws, friends, relatives, and you. I mean, unless your ex, or her parents are loaded, this is like a baby girl, floating in the middle of the ocean. No matter how the adults feel about each other, someone has to throw that little girl a life perserver, before she drowns.

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