SOME THOUGHTS OF WHAT APPEAR TO BE THE FINAL DAYS OF LIFE AS I KNEW IT

Once again I am all alone in the darkness, watching helplessly my world spin around and away from my shell of a mind as I struggle through this endless bought of fog, confusion, and self doubt. This mystery of what was my life that is all around me yet know where near my grasp.

And I wonder – will I ever know the dawn as it is meant to be – a beginning to a new and glorious day.

I can mark on my calendar the exact date of my life as I knew ending. For now I exist in this after life of sorts, a life of nothingness, as I await my call from whatever powers to be to claim my soul or whatever is left of it.

Empty and drained of what I was, I am adrift upon the open seas of change. Now I watch with fear a storm that has been brewing for months. I was too drunk with a passion for life to see it. I was too blind with ambition and goals to notice, worry, or care. Now I pay the price for such senseless ambition, and giving up, I await my fate, willing to give up all that I ever had, wanted, or loved. From the advantage of distance I watch my bloated self drift away from my grasp, seemly not aware of anything important. I simply do not care where I end up, as long as it is not here, not in this now.

I suppose I should be content with the gift now before me. This is my chance to review the flash of my past, of what I was, and possibly view what my future might have been had I not let myself get this low, this lost, this sick. For now I am in the grip of fear to deep to respond to the tragic loss before me. I am more than just frozen in place by what lies ahead then what I have left behind. If the teachings of the Buddha where correct then my endless search for happiness was all in vain, and I have drifted so far away from everything I have ever cared about, cherished and loved that I am filled such overwhelming self doubt that it will ever find me.

This transition from one life state to another is not a pleasant journey to say the least. This is one roller coaster I regret ever getting in line for. The endless up and down, the frightful drops, spins, and spirals are not forgotten as my life cycle clinks up one slow gear after another, knowing the next dip, spin and spiral awaits to take any joy I might expect to come. The dips are endless dives into a dark and deeper shadow world that takes me closer and nearer to the death I know is coming. Simply put I just do not enjoy this thing I call a life I am in.  It is the hardest thing I know to have admit I am not enjoying this ride at all and I do not know how much more my soul, my heart, or my mind can endure, and I know from experience that once this ride ends, another awaits me to begin it  all over again, and again, and yet again.

Endless cycles, frightful spirals, regrets unending, questions I do not how to ask. Answers are only senseless sentences I can not comprehend, and the screaming of my rattled mind quickly drowns out any chance I have of understanding the help I need. Confused, frustrated, overwhelmed with the tasks ahead, subdued by too much self doubt, and faced with failure after failure leads me further down paths of a maze that leaves me sobbing, crying, shaken, and only more lost in this abyss of yet more confusion, deeper spirals, more questions than answers, the endless failures, regrets, and self doubt. And finally leaves me with even less self esteem then I ever thought possible.

Sleep once again escapes me. Minutes flee away in my race of time that I know is running out, and I am too drained of any motivation to chase after them, or of anything else of value. Minutes become hours become days become months become years and I age away not able to care about anything that I might, that I should, value. I push against the open door of life each day, challenged to put at least one foot forward to where I was, where I thought I belonged. I want to scream out loud to the heavens above to ask, to find out, what I need to be the person I was, that I want to be. But I am silent in the end, too afraid to listen, to numb to care, to disturbed to make any sense of any help that may, or may not be out there.