Thanks to everyone for reading and commenting on my few blogs.  It helps me a LOT to write and sort through my feelings. Sorry for the ramblings of pity, but it helps me.  

I’m feeling the desolation of deep loneliness again.  I try – in the midst of my restless distraction – to focus on the Lord, to be a limp body and let him take my hand and walk me to where I need to be.  My eyes and my forehead pinch with pain. 

I read the Bible and don’t know how I’ll possibly have the fortitude to live like I’ll need to.  How will I have what it will take to finish the race? I wish I were at the end of my days and I could look back at life and say ‘I’m so glad I made it through’ – and let me get out of this world of prowling lions and teeming suffering – and let me rest in Heaven.  I know I should be grateful for life – it’s just that I’m so ill-suited for it.  Mine has taken a heavy toll on me, and I fear that I won’t be strong enough to be good enough in my future. 

I realize I’m speaking a lot about fear and other defeating emotions.  I’m focusing on my Goliaths too much – it’s just that sometimes they loom so large. So large.  But I will try, to somehow carry on…somehow find a way to hope.  Jesus says “ I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have troubles;  But take heart, I have overcome this world.” (John 16:33)  My self-absorbed misery yells out, “What’s the darned hold-up?”  I need to trust the Creator that he knows what he’s doing with the Created. Isaiah 55:8 says: “ For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways. As the Heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than yours.”