I apologize for the length of this, butI have been doing a lot of thinking lately. 10 years ago, I was such a happy young man. I had a great group of friends, a fun job, and I absolutely loved life. Today, things are significantly different. I still have great friends, I have a great job, I now have a house, a wife, and a daughter. Yet, i feel as if I am a completely different person. The once down to earth, fun loving person is now an on and off emotional wreck, plagued with obsessions and anxiety. I am on paxil, attivan, and seroquel, all serious medications, before the age of 30. As I have been talking with my new therapist the last few sessions, I find myself looking for answers.
Why did this all happen? I know it all started when my girlfriend at the time left for 3 months to Australia. Was that the stressor that triggered this? Shortly after that, I can vividly remember my friend making a child p*ornn comment and me racing back to my house and checking my computer for hours. I remember screaming at the top of my lungs "I didn't do anything wrong! So is it the stress of life in adulthood that is causing this? Being married, having a child, not having job security?
Years have gone by and here I am, at the same place. I've been like this since the beginning of September and have noticed minimal improvement. I can't read the news without experiencing anxiety. The mention of the word "jail" sends me into great distress. I have to cover my eyes when watching scenes in movies. When I am with my little girl, half the time I can't enjoy it because I keep obsessing that I will lose her and never see her grow up. I want to deal with this already. I am tired of living in fear. I made a promise to myself to stop as many compulsions as I can. Tapping the toilet seat 5 times, kissing lucy 9 times, watching license plates, these I feel with hard work I can stop. But how do I deal with my violent thoughts and fears of losing everyone? I tried making exposure tapes, I got as graphic as I could. When I listen to them however, I don't get anxious. I just find myself annoyed with how my voice sounds. Maybe if I rent movies and watch the scenes that I am afraid of over and over it will help?
This evening I was talking to my therapist about how my violent obsessions make me live in fear and make me on edge. He told me that he is not concerned with my thoughts as they are not "command hallucinations." Ofcourse, what have I been obsessing about since? That maybe all along I am schizophrenic and I am hearing voices. Like it never ends, ocd never gets tired. I feel like its goal is to ruin my life, and slowly, it is succeeding.
I am seeing a new psychiatrist on Thursday. I plan on asking him about switching from Paxil to Anafranil. Perhaps the effectiveness of my paxil has run its course as I have been on it for over 5 years.
Through all this, I still can't the need to know why. Do I have unconscious, unresolved conflicts that are the root of this problem? It is to have come from somewhere. I know that question will probably never me answered and it is a waste of time to probe into to. But today I just feel so angry. I want to love life everyday again. I love teaching, and I love my family. But this disease is ruining it all. I am tired of spending the better part of my day questioning my morals and ethics as a result of these violent thoughts. I want to be able to read a story in the newspaper without catastrophizing myself into an emotional mess. Most of all, I want to be me again. The fun-loving, caring, generous person that my close friends and family know. I want to live again. I am tired of being sad and scared.
Thanks for listening,