It has taken me a few days to write this….started it many a time and deleted it over and over again.  not sure why the deletes other than never getting past the title… and mood…well even the mood has changed….

SO here i am getting ready to go out on a date in a few…I think its a date…its a something, I have been kinda fidgety over the last few…not entirely sure what to do about things in my world…mostly regarding relationships of sorts.  Life is an exceptional journey now..and I am never certain that it is more than just that.  My one day at a time thoughts keep me in the here and now…the days of my projecting are gone…well they appear to be gone…I am sure just like my DOC it is just sitting and waiting…

Many things are no longer what they seem, maybe I no longer and what I seem.  that I know to be a fact, I do see glimpses of what it use to be like….but the now is so much better.  recovering…yes that is one of the things I am….I will always be there I am sure.  I dont mind..it keeps things very real…Knowing that there is no cure for the "Addict" just a reprieve. 

I do like my shiney things…they put a smile on my face.  I still live in the life of excess…I see it…have yet to figure out how to lessen that…and it is ok…its not all bad…just needs to be tempered.   When I sit and see that I am loosing something I immediately need to replace it with something else.  Human contact is a huge thing for me no one said it better than Peter Gabrial in

" I have the touch"

Pull my chin, stroke my hair, scratch my nose, hug my knees
Try drink, food, cigarette, tension will not ease
I tap my fingers, fold my arms, breathe in deep, cross my legs
Shrug my shoulders, stretch my back – but nothing seems
to please

I need contact

Shake those Hands…

Damn I remember how much contact there was, with a breakthrough there was a hug…The sincere handshakes…the warm smiles…

When I came out I suddenly realized that that contact was fairly non exhistent in the realm of an AA meeting….thats ok…It didnt kill me nor make me want to use…just made me uncomfortable…kinda sad too.  I believe in Maslows hierarchy of needs he makes mention of it…that we NEED THAT HUMAN CONTACT….being that I am human I do too.  

Back to the loosing something and having me grasp for something to replace it with….yeah…the other day when I was trying to find closure in something I got fearful of what I might be loosing and instead of letting go…I filled the void with 2 or 3 other ppl….not a good plan…but none the less it is done….and by the time I am finished…I am certain I wil be back at square one…which is not bad but then it will turn onto the insanity of things…because I will do it again…and again…still looking like I use to when I was trying to get that feeling back….that feeling I never had to begin with ….not liking it right now…

Have you been around to see how most of this runs in circles…

 

 

1 Comment
  1. michaelcali 12 years ago

    Indeed and I agree…when I came out…I had nothing…and I mean nothing…about the only place I even remotely felt safe was in the 4 walls of AA…I can count numerous times I almost swung at either of my parents just as they put a hand on me in passing, even if it was just to say excuse me as they moved by me……as well as countless others…so yes I do completely agree with what you are saying…LOL now I feel like I have been percieved as a random street hugger…LOL

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