I have never been a complainer. I feel if I complain about something I am being selfish. Thinking only of myself and that what I have to say is so stupid and unimportant that it isn't worth putting down in words.

But when I come here…when I write I try not to think someone is judging me.

My day started off like a good day. Actually a great day. As "he" drank more and more I knew I had to watch and be careful of everything. But I made a mistake of opening my mouth and making a statement. So in a pizza parlor in front of a room full I got my usual "tongue lashing" from mowing the lawn, to how awful I am because I'm not in his universe, his frame of mind {as if I know from one minute to the next how I am to act}. I'm not on the same page and how awful it is when we can't agree all the time on everything. Aren't we seperate personalities? Do we have to think the same ?

I'm glad i don't drink, my free will would be corrupt. But oh how hard it is to live with my PTSD, bi-polar and depression with an alcoholic. Their words are cruel, the rage when your not what they want you to be is loud and demanding in my head. The hate in their voice..loudness…..and abrupt rudeness along with embarressment is overwhelming.

The question is why do you stay ? Hummm…truth is I wish I honestly knew. Habit? Love? Wanting to take care of him? I really wish I knew the answer and no one can tell me because they aren't me. I know it is not healthy, that it isn't good for me and my depression but yet I stay. Is it hope that someday he will love me enough…respect me enough…care enough??? But I'm smart enough to know you can't change another.

Will I not find another who will treat me as I should be treated, or is it of being alone. Am I good enough for someone ? Will they love me enough to accept who I am? I wish I thought enough about myself ..wish I had confidence, wish I knew I was an ok person that is loveable.

I feel like I am at the very bottom of every analogy there is. I don't think much of myself sometimes. I look at myself and find so many things wrong, when I know here in my heart that there is a good person a wonderful person compassionate person inside that longs for a better life. Some is beyond what I can correct….and some is what I am not able to correct.

I didn't ask for this….God I pray everyday that I can be normal…. that things didn't bother me ..that I could let words roll off my back and smile and say "I'm ok". I can handle this. I'm strong.

Yes I survive another day. I go on. I pretend everything is ok. That smile is always there. Yet my mind is busy thinking all this negitive s**** that is feed to me.

Am I crazy…am I? I hate crying…takes so much out of me. Tires me. All my shrink hears me say is "I'm tired". Tired of ALL this!!!! And what is "this". That's where people don't understand why a person like me may cut to punish herself or to take to many pills to make it all go away. People just don't know because they never have experienced that overwhelming feeling that comes over you and that it dominates that moment in time and tyou just can't pull yourself out.

My day started out great……and within but how many hours it has been brought down to the lowest level. And I let it!!!!!