The more I fall into this slump, the more I find myself thinking about my past relationships. Its like my subconscious enjoys me beating myself up for each failed relationship. In particular, I find myself constantly thinking about this one ex, Ayame or Aya for short.
Our relatioship didn’t end because we stopped loving each other or a flaw we saw in one another. Aya and I were to be married and she was someone whom you’d enjoy their company no matter what. She was very understanding and always tried to keep an open mind. It’s been two years since we last saw each other. The story behind the two of us was that we met by chance in a coffee shop. We started as friends and became much more as time passed. She had a similar past and with that, she had the type of understanding that went much deeper. We were completely in snyc with one another, but as fate would have it, we were torn apart. Her parents saw me as a threat because I wasn’t a "real" Japanese. I was a mistake and had to be removed. The slowly tore her from my life. With a threat to my life without ever knowing it, they drove her away. She left in order to protect me and with that, her parents finally were presented with the opportunity to keep her in Japan. In the end, they arranged a marriage for her and I had lost her.
The world took her away and I couldn’t do a damn thing. I was too weak. Crippled from everything to do anything. I could cry forever and hope she’d come back but it would be empty wishes. With her in my life, I felt I had a good chance against fighting my depression. I didn’t have to live a lie that I was happy or content, instead I could honestly smile for once and look forward to a future and life. Sometimes, I think life is just reminding me of my shortcomings and inability to live my life for myself with this depression. Its been crippling me since I was 10. It’s robbed me of more than half my life and right now, all I have to show for this broken life are scars and sad memories of empty hope.
I hate that crushing feeling you get on your chest from all the pain. I want to scream out but its like my voice is muffled and would only fall on deaf ears. I forgot how to live. Moreso, I lost that drive, that passion you makes you live life because you are alive. Maybe it’s out there somewhere in the world in one form or another because it’s certainly not inside this empty shell of a human.