Well I tried. Tried to bring myself out of the hole I crawled into. I talked to my friend about our plan to go away next week and she's back on board. I gave her what info she needed to hear. She told me she didn't want me to spend the money on her, to do what made me happy. I had to explain to her that not going alone, having her to go with me WAS what made me happy. So that part I think is ok for now.

We went out to dinner with some friends. For the most part it went well but on the way there I had to ask my husband a few times to change the discussion to things that were a little happier. He has a hard time with that. Then our friends were a half an hour late..that was a bit embarrassing. Then we went bowling and I got to be the designated driver since my husband chose NOT to slow down his drinking. Then went on while we were bowling how he would beat all thier asses at it…he didn't. In fact we thought he was going down a couple times when he threw the ball. He was expecting some bedroom time when we got home and I wasn't feeling it. So now he's still holding that over my head.

I used to sort of joke around several years ago that there was a count down. That he only had to put up with me for x amount of years until he could move on. The timeline being the kids both graduating high school. Sadly, it's only sort of joking. I have to ask myself sometimes how long I can do this. Be with someone who always puts himself first. I NEVER feel first.And most of the time I'm ok with that. But every once in a while it just makes you feel good to think instead of judt doing for themselves, someone put you first. And I think it all stems back to childhood for me. I was always put to the side. And unfortunately, it's not ok with me.

So once again I moved what should have been a decent weekend to awful because I couldn't just set my own feelings aside. And I don't know how to feel about that. I mean, I feel bad for the situation, but the peace and quiet is kind of nice too. I know, that's just wrong. Sorry. I know we need counseling. That's pretty clear. But at their core, people don't change. I'll never get my husband to change who he is. I've asked so many times for him to think about his actions and put me first every once in a while. But should I have to ask?

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