I'm sitting at work for my part time job where (in down time like this), I should be researching for my project. But I can't really think clearly.

I think there's something off with my brain. I've been thinking this, I've just never really verified it. But something about this isn't exactly normal. When I feel normal, I feel okay. I'm independent, sharp, a bit mentally, emotionally stronger. Right now I just feel empty, drained. Lost, hasslesome. I feel like I'm drowning, as always in an episode.

It shouldn't be like this. I'm scaring away everyone around me. I've become this clingy, needy little thing. I feel incredibly weak, in spirit and mind, and it's a very bitter tasting feeling.

I thinking stopping my medication was a mistake. I did it so my medical record would show up clean for a career I'm pursuing but probably was a stupid idea. I just need to get through the next 3 1/2 years, then start back up on psychiatry-not like I can really afford it. It'll be something to worry about later, when I get back to the states.

But I need help now. I feel like I'm letting myself fail in school, in life, in my work positions. But I've become sort of paralyzed in this state. I can't think, I can't get up. I don't know what to do. And nobody else around me knows either. I'm scaring them. I'm scaring myself.

I wish there was a quick fix. The sertralin only really helps for high stress/anxiety when I take it. It doesn't help for depression so much. Quick fixes aren't actually a thing, not if it means the long-term sustainability for my mental health.

Why I gravitated towards SI and smoking as a teenager and alcohol and food recently, it's like I'm trying to fill in this gap. But it's just creating more problems. I may have quit smoking, but I never stopped craving. It's just one huge struggle.

I also need to take better care of myself, when I'm not in these episodes, when I'm normal. But money and time constraints also make it difficult. For instance, I could jog at 5 AM or 8 PM when I get home, but I don't feel safe in our neighborhood to do that. I could find gaps in my day, but I spend those gaps doing homework or running errands.

I'm sort of just letting myself slip. This is really something I'll need to get a grasp on if I want to be successful and manageable in life. I can't really just shove it under the blankets and ignore it like I have. I should make more time for myself, but I'm also under that heavy college-pressure to have a good portfolio going into the job market. In that sense, although I've pushed myself to my limits to do things at the university, I still feel like it's not enough; not enough to get a position with benefits that will pay of student loans. It feels like this fairytale dream that I'm reaching for in vain. Add on I want a high impact career that puts good back into the world, the whole "change the world"/"change the community" kind of thing. I have strong doubts sometimes.

I've been scaring my friend away. I feel so bad for him. He doesn't know what to do. He just stops replying me, trying to figure out what to say or do. I'm overwhelming him.

But I really need help though. I don't have this strong support system to help pull me out of an episode. I can try all I want but even if I "try myself" to "stop being depressed," it only lasts for a day or two before I'm pulled back under. No matter how much I fake stability. I feel overwhelmed too. I'm sort of just becoming this burden to the people around me. I'm setting myself up for failure. But I'm lost, honestly. I don't know exactly what to do.