So…I'm currently trying to solve the riddle of how to survive on $70 for 2 weeks with $635 in rent due, $200 electric bill(accumulated from not being able to afford to pay my previous two electric bills)a $45 phone bill,, and who knows how much money needed for gas to be able to drive anywhere–such as to get to school and to get the place where I am seeing a job counselor twice a week in an effort to, ironically, get a job, and to visit my father in the hospital, to get to school, etc.. Even with the $885/month I am currently getting for disability–of which I don't receive my check until the 3rd Wednesday of the month(and gee, thank you SOOOO MUCH month-of-October for your wonderful timing with your well-placed last -Wednesday-of- the-month in making it FIVE weeks I'll have had to go in between checks as opposed to the normal FOUR!), throw in the extra $125 that I'll have to pay in late fees for paying my rent late upon getting said check, and well,,.you know, as they say, you do the math…

I'm trying to balance all that with various other multiple intertwining, interweaving fear-related issues as well as issues involving heartache(eh, more on that later…maybe)–fear about my father's suddenly ailing health, fear about flunking the one and only class I am taking this semester, fear that I finally won't be able to keep up with my rent and will end up on the streets because of fear that no other apartment complex will take me–not even a cheaper one–because of my abysmal credit rating,…and fear & sadness upon hearing the news from my half brother of a person close to him who recently died at age 45, and whom my half brother kept lamenting was one of those people who "never found his way"…see, regarding that, .I too, at a very late age in life, an age too close to 45, have not "found my way"…and it's scary…and yes, I was saddened by the news, felt bad for my brother over his loss…but selfishly, I was scared,,,because I know people, when describing me, have to be saying the same thing: "Todd is just one of those people who has never found his way"…and I fear that same thing will be said about me when I'm gone, minus the word "has"….

And this whole thing about not having any money for gas in particular is a big deal; sure so is not having money to pay the electric bill, or the possibility of not having a phone, etc. And I'm trying to get myself in the mindset that I can survive without electricity if need be–all those poor people on the east coast who are dealing with the fallout from the that horrific storm are having to do so right now, right?–and trying to mentally prepare myself for how to live without electricity….no phone? I guess I can keep in touch with people via email…but no gas to get anywhere? See, that conflicts with any attempts I'm making in life right now to be someone who ultimately DOES "find his way", for my hopes that I can still do so….because if I don't have gas in my car, I will not be able to drive to the building to meet with my job counselor(I think that's what you call her–it was set up through voc rehab) like I'm supposed to two times a week to get help with finding jobs, help with knowing the right things to put on a resume and job applications, help with interviewing skills, etc. And without gas, I'm not going to be able to go to my class about 15 miles away even if it's only one day a week; the 30 mile round trip adds up(oh, and that's the approx distance to meet with my job counselor too)…so…that's a problem…

But with all this there is disappointment in me that I can't deny…and questioning…disppointment that a "new me" that I was hoping had emerged in recent months–as I did in fact appear to have fought my way through and emerged through a 3-year major depressive funk–one who was going to have a "louder" voice, one who was going to use anger and a "chip-on-his-shoulder" to fuel him if need be, one who was going to not be afraid to stick up for himself and the things I need to do to become happier and lead a more self-fuffiling life to whomever I need to "stick up" to for lack of a better way of putting that–apparently has not done so as much as I thought or hoped for….Why the hell aren't I screaming out to family members and/or friends that could probably afford to help me with some money–telling them that if they want to see me improve my lot in life, I'm going to need some financial assistance to do so–at the very least FREAKING GAS MONEY…why the hell am I apparently not believing that I have the right to at least have a freaking roof over my head and the ability to have light under that roof and so foolishly determined to keep this struggle such a secret–still having that stubborness/fear/ whatever the hell it is so entrenched inside me of going above and beyond to NOT ask anyone, to not bother, anyone for help?…So where did that "new me" go that I thought and hoped was finally being instilled into me?

And of course, it's making me question myself to the core of my soul, as only I can…quetioning…do I really have the desire to improve my lot in life?….am I just BSing myself and everyone else?…..Is the whole lack-of-money-for-gas thing, am I using it as an excuse because deep down I'm really lazy/underachieving/whatever and not interested in trying?…WHY? WHY? WHY must I ALWAYS QUESTION?!??!?!?…Or…Or am I sincere in wanting to get better, but deep down, that perpetual nemesis of mine– fear– is getting in the way again?… Fear that if I do get a job again, it will lead to another breakdown follwed by another horrific spell of depression since this is what happened in the last job I had…fear that I can't pass this freaking astronomy class because I am truly–I mean LITERALLY–retarded/mentally deficient/whatever when it comes to science courses and that no matter how hard I try(I falied the mid-term test with flying colors) this astronomy shit is not going to sink into my head–as so many science courses have proven unable to do throughout my schooling years.. fear that if I DO in fact pass the class,I I'm still not going to be sure what direction I'll want to go in from there in terms of my academic goals (it was supposed to be, for now, just to FINALLY get my associate's degree, but of course I'm having trouble staying focused on that goal for whatever reasons)..

.I CANNOT get discouraged that efforts have yet to pay off–I MUST keep trying, and I must keep repeating the mantra to myself "If I just keep trying, good things are going to happen eventually".. I mean, that IS what I have to do, right?….Just like I can't discouraged that even though two recent seperate efforts to finally land a potential freaking date for the first time in ages failed(this would be the "heartache" thing I referred to earlier) that doesn't mean future efforts won't pay off , and that there won't be success in that area in the future., does NOT mean that I am condemned to a life without love, etc. Oh, regarding that, one of those potential efforts involved a girl who sought ME out initially via Facebook–she was a total stranger who somehow became aware of me and messaged me out of nowhere expressing a desire to get to know me–only to apparently lose interest in me when I made the foolish mistake of letting her know that I was in the process of finally recovering in recent months from a severe bout of depression..the other,,,eh, maybe I'll explain it later; this blog is dragging on too long as it is….

So…that's where I stand right now, in the middle of a crisis, one I didn't see coming,,,and on top of that, I'm worried about my Dad…a routine procedure he was supposed to go in for about two weeks ago resulted in him instead going to the emergency room because of him having severe difficulty in breathing, which led to him being hospitalized for a week…he's going to have to have open heart surgery soon it turns out..he's been the epitome of someone in good health all of these years–always careful about what he eats, etc never in the hospital for anything serious before this, etc. But now, his heart is acting up, and he's up there in age. and I'm worried about him, I love him, and I know he can't live forever, but I'm not ready for him to go–no one in my family is…(So this is also why I'm not going to bother my mother to see if she can't make her monthly "donation" to me as she usually does this time of the month– to help me out just a little bit with some of the $ issues–she's too consumed with my father right now–understandably so–and I certainly can't be selfish and complain to her about financial difficulites with all this going on with him…ANd in addition, she hasn't been able to help me out as much with the $ situation in the last couple of months as she was previously anyway, citing financial issues of her own, so I was tryiing to mentally prepare myself anyway to not get any further help from her knowing this)

I don't know–maybe I deserve this predicament for not having a job? For not making enough of an effort to get one ever since I have finally felt better enough to even CONSIDER the idea of getting one again? …Well, regardless of whether I do or not, you'll have to parden me if I'm going to try not to beat myself up over that….one thing I have finally learned in recent years is that beating myself up throughout the years like I always have has gotten me nowhere…anyway, that's it for now. Thank you kindly to anyone who took the time to read.

Todd

2 Comments
  1. sadviolinist 8 years ago

    Todd~ I'm so sorry for all that you're trying to deal with right now. It's way too much!  I wish there were some way I could help you financially, but unfortunately, I'm pretty much in a similar boat. I don't think that you "deserve" to be in this situation at all.  NO ONE does.  And I don't believe that you're lazy or unmotivated…if anything I think it's the fear issues stopping you from trying to get a job. I was like that too after my breakdown. Job after job I had to quit or I lost, and my self-esteem and my reputation took one hell of a beating.  Be gentle with yourself about it; you know your fear is a big part of what is eating at you right now. Bring it into the light and examine it a little more closely when you aren't so overwhelmed.

    I'm sad to hear about your Dad's situation. That is scary to go through and sit by and watch. But all you can do is be there for him as much as your financial situation allows (or if you're Mom would be willing to pick you up when she goes) and remember that he's been very healthy for a long time now ~ he'll most likely pull through it like you wouldn't believe.

    Todd I think you need to talk to your Mom about your financial situation right now anyhow…because if those bills don't get paid and your out on the street that's going to make her situation even worse right now.  I'm impressed by your consideration of not wanting to put any more stress on her, but you need to have a roof over your head and electricity at least, plus gas money.  Just a thought ~ do you live somewhere nearby a bus pick-up?

    Hang in there hon. I'm sorry to hear about the potential girlfriend that bailed out, but better to know now than to really get involved and have her disappear when you most needed her.

    Want you to know I'm thinking of you and sending you the biggest hugs possible. If you want to rant some more to somebody specific~ feel free to message me.  Take some deep breaths, believe that things will turn out okay, and realize that letting go of the idea that we control our lives is a little unrealistic. You're a good person and have a lot of wonderful things about you.  Focus on those right now.

    Sorry such a long response. I'm too verbose.  ~ Key

     

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  2. SaltWaterDrinker 8 years ago

     Todd–

     
    I read your blog and, wow, I am really sorry that you're dealing with so much scary stuff right now.  I can't offer any magic words–though I thought keya's were pretty good–but I can tell you that you are not alone, and also that I respect your level of introspection.  I, too, have asked myself a bunch of times how committed I really am to moving forward in my life, given how much time I devote to doing the shit that keeps me stuck.  And I've arrived at the same conclusion as you: I have the desire, I just also have fear.  (I've found Susan Jeffers's "Feel the Fear…and Do It Anyway" to be a helpful text on this subject.)  I also worry about being one of those poor becalmed souls who "never finds her way." I worry about losing my parents and not being ready to lose them.  Last but not least, I am short of cash right now.  In short, I really get where you are coming from and I just wanted to say that I am pulling for you.  
     
    As for your science class–a suggestion: why not try approaching the material in your own way?  From the pics in your gallery, it looks as though you've done some acting. Is there any way you could do improv around some of the topics? Perhaps take a crack at being the professor as well as the confused student? It's possible that this would help you figure out where it is that your comprehension is sticking. It would certainly have mnemonic benefit. I am not a thespian, but I sometimes draw on different voices when working through difficult pieces of writing (and fiction, naturally).  (Visual art is more my thing, and I never write anything complex without literally sketching it out to see how the parts interrelate.)  Goethe once said that "man cannot learn what he does not love," and I generally believe that to be true, in the absence of Herculean effort, anyway.  Figure out some way to distill a subject through what you love, and you stand a much better chance with it.  
     
    Sorry to go on for so long.  I wish you lots of luck during this tough time.  Hold your head up and good luck to you.
     
    ~SWD
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