I’m feeling very spiteful today.

I have been processing a lot of work-related anger lately.Not regarding my current position or people.My J-boys are great and my J-girl is fun.I do sometimes wish I had more mentally-involved projects.But those come along in feasts or stay away in famines in this department.
No, I’m processing a lot of the anger I’ve repressed over the years.It’s gotten to the point where I’m actually dreaming angry dreams – particularly about working with my old boss S.
I’m pissed at him.Not really for leaving.Not even for leaving me behind.No, I’m pissed at him for being spineless when he did leave.I’m pissed at him for letting me make a fool of myself, throwing out my hand in friendship while he looked down at it as if it were a pile of dog crap!!(Sorry, but that’s how it felt!!) The rumor mill had it that S was so afraid of “hurting me” and that’s why he avoided me like the plague.That’s why he strung me along, lying about wanting to keep in touch.The two coffee outings we had?Yeah, I initiated.I invited.When I invited him (and girl boss A) for a third outing?Yeah – they blew me off.Work was “too busy.”So, I left it up to them to suggest a day/time that actually does worked.And guess what?NOT A SINGLE WORD ABOUT THAT THIRD COFFEE OUTING!!!
I haven’t had an actual conversation with S since, oh, probably April 2011.
And although Amy and I were communicating via text for a while, even that started to feel awkward and strained.It waned itself down to me wishing her happy holidays and her saying “u2!” in response.
Because, I realized, I don’t really know enough about either of them to have actual conversations.Not even after 6.5 years of working directly with them.
I know more about the people I currently support than I ever knew about S or A.And I’ve only worked with them SINCE JULY!!!You know why?THEY HAVE ACTUAL CONVERSATIONS WITH ME!!!
Hell, the people I’m assigned to now made me cry this Christmas.Not the same kind of tears I cried the last couple of tears with S, or the first few with A – when it felt like swapping gifts with them was more of a chore for them than it was the act of kindness for me.No, my current peeps made me cry because I felt genuinely appreciated and respected.Not only liked for what I can do for them, but for the initiative I take in doing it.I felt genuinely appreciated AND respected.And it had NOTHING to do with the value of the gifts.It was the feeling they had in giving them to me.Those happy, joyous, bright vibes were picked up as loudly and as clearly as the pity A started to feel for me, and the disrespect and loathing S began to feel.
S and A are a lot of things.They’re not monsters.And, despite it all, I still believe they have good hearts.But… I also believe they are too self-absorbed to think (or even care) about how their words or actions may affect someone else.S, in particular, is so worried about being “nice” that he doesn’t realize his dishonesty is just about the least nice thing he can give someone.And the hurt he’s trying to protect a person from is still felt… it’s only compounded when the truth comes out and the level of disrespect S feels for that person becomes known.I do miss the fast pace of working with them… and the autonomy I had on their projects.But I don’t miss walking on egg shells, like I had to with S the last couple of years.I don’t miss being left high and dry when my hours reflected how busy I was, but S (the guy I was staying late to support) didn’t want to “make waves” by backing me up with my supervisor.I don’t miss playing monkey in the middle because S didn’t care what firm policy was, he was too busy and needed the help and wouldn’t let me delegate it to anyone else.I don’t miss wondering where I stood with the people I worked hard for.And, I don’t miss feeling like something was wrong with me because they would chat with everyone else except me.
I should say, in defense of S and A, that this is the kind of working relationship their boss fostered.Not the environment their boss’s boss wanted -not the environment they left behind.
You know, no wonder I was always so glum working with them!You spend more time with your co-workers than you do with your family.If you can’t chat with them – if you can’t joke with them – what kind of working environment are you in??
And yeah… even after spewing out all of this… if they were to call me tomorrow, I’d probably jump right on out the door to them.BUT THEY’D HAVE TO GIVE ME A LOT MORE MONEY!!Or paid parking/bus cards.I may be co-dependent, but I have my standards.
I’ve been listening to Evanescence’s “Sweet Sacrifice” a lot lately, after pondering (or stewing) about all of this.That song is like an exorcism for me.I’ll close this entry with my favorite, most soul cleansing part:
. . .
One day I'm gonna forget your name,
And one sweet day, you're gonna drown in my lost pain.
Fear is only in our minds,
Taking over all the time.
Fear is only in our minds but it's taking over all the time.

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