Hanging on…

Paralyzed…  maybe, it’s exhaustion – physically and emotionally drained from the overall quest of kicking, coupled with the head cold, and my general instability.  I don’t know if the Lamictal is helping me.  I mean, it’s too soon to tell.  I saw some improvement, early on, and that got my hopes up.  Now that I am stalling out a little I am getting discouraged.  I know, I just need to keep going, and wait to see what happens when the drug hits therapeutic levels in my system.  I am very sensitive to chemicals, so it makes sense that I felt something, initially, but it also makes sense that those improvements would not be solid until I have an appropriate level of the drug in my system.  I haven’t given up on this medication, I just feel like hell, at the moment.

I’ve nearly given up on myself a few times.  I had made so much progress since the kick started, and now, I feel so raw.  I haven’t been using – I don’t know where this is coming from, but it’s gotten under my skin, again.  I feel so weak, and I am so sick of myself.  The impulse to shut it all out – that’s a very real desire.  One that is more concretely on my mind than usual.

I deserve to be sick.  I am such a screw up.  I probably wouldn’t have this wretched head cold if I could will myself to eat more, and take better care of myself.  I just get so discouraged, and broken down – like a car that won’t start.  The engine won’t even turn over.  It doesn’t matter if there’s no fuel, or no fire – either way, I am going nowhere.

I need to get out of this apartment, or I am going to find myself breaking an important promise, and hating myself for it.