I spent all of today with his family at the park playing softball. He stayed home so that he could play a new video game. Honestly, that really didn't bother me at all. We finally got home and then me, him and his brother played the video game for a few hours. Then he ends it because his brother has to go to school tomorrow and I start work at 1pm. We get to the bedroom and apparently neither of us are tired…long story short, he's officially for show 🙁

After he got done calling me a horn dog (I'm summarizing) he then proceeded to tell me how once he gets a job he's going to pay to get my butt waxed, and then follows it up with petting and jiggling my stomach and then puts his hand a bit lower and talks about how there's a baby in there. He basically just called me a hairy, fat horn dog. And he now wants to know why I'm a bit upset and no longer in the mood to cuddle.

Why am I with him? It's like a simple compliment is beyond his mental compasity. I had asked him recently why he never compliments me, he said "If I saw something worth complimenting then I would." He says that I'm insecure, and I am. I've lost 22lbs since I met him (been together for 9 months) and am currently the only one in this relationship that has any kind of income, and I don't even get so much as a good job or you look nice. Instead I get a your boobs look really uneven and why don't you take care of yourself.

True, I haven't been able to pamper myself as I used to because I'm working whatever job I can get. All of my money either goes to rent or to feeding him, which is funny by the way, because he's getting fat. He's always been very skinny and muscular, and now he's getting fat and to be honest, I'm laughing on the inside. What's probably really sad is that even his own family is telling him to get his sh*t together before I wake up and leave him. I think the main reason why I stay with him is out of pity. I know that if I left him then his life would only get worse. I don't know if I love him, I say that I do but right now I don't know if I've just tricked myself in to beleiving that I love him so that I stay with him, or if I really do.

I'm really really just disappointed right now. When I was 13 I made my life goals. They're very simple, but they're really the main things that I truly want out of life. And the thing is, at 13 I made the cut off age 22 to get everything done by then, and I'm almost 22 and I'm almost done with the goals. The goals were this: Live in my own place, have a steady job, be married and be pregnant with the first child by the age of 22. I've lived on my own since 18, I currently have a steady job, but am working extra odd jobs whenever I can get them, and I'm 20. The only thing that is missing is marriage and kids, and to be honest, I could move back to California and get all of those things. I acutally have guys who still talk to me and have told me since I left that they want to have kids with me, they want to get married with me and have kids, and they've been telling me this for 9 months now, some have been telling me that for a year.

I don't know why I'm with him. Pity? Love? Low self-esteem? Convinience? Pride? I don't even know anymore.


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