Today feels like it'll be better than yesterday. I had a chance to talk to a friend of mine last night, and I'm starting to fomulate a way to deal with my depression. My friend knows I've been struggling for several years now, and it's not situational (as one therapist diagnosed). I told her I'm rather scared I fall into the clinical area with my depression being chemical in nature. I know antidepresants work on me, but I need to be in a position where I can get them. Until then, it's a lot of situational work to keep me from falling.

I plan on getting my life back together spiritually. I'm a very religious person who has not prayed in over a year, and refused to enter my local church for a bit longer. The reason for the not wanting to go to church is because it's the same one I went to with my mom, and I can't handle sitting there and not having her next to me. Or looking to the front of the church and still visualizing her coffin by the alter. I just can't. I'm thinking of checking out a newly opened Catholic Church that's a slight drive from me. Where my old church would be just a ten minute drive, this one will be almost a half an hour (give or take on traffic). But, it's one that came about after mom's death, so there is no way to associate it with her.

I also plan on praying again. At least a rosary a day. My friend (who is Mormon, but went to a Catholic school growing up) has offered to pray with me if I need her to. I made the same offer to pray with her since she's going through her own hard times.

I'm actually starting to think I might be able to get just enough over this so that I stop thinking of myself as worthless. Yesterday was pretty low. Not the lowest I've ever been, but starting to get close. I feel like I'm on a rollar coaster. Low yesterday, slightly higher today, but I know that it can drop by tomorrow if I'm not careful. I've spent a great deal of my life fixing my depression without medicines or doctors, and I guess I can continue to do so until I'm in a position where I can get the help I really need.

So, wish me luck. I'm going to try to make it to the church in time for Confession. One good thing about being a Catholic: free therapy. You only have to pay by saying a few Hail Marys. 🙂

  1. ancientgeekcrone 10 years ago

    I wish you well. 

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  2. Steffstar 10 years ago

    @Will_B: Did only half as good as I set out to do. I got a new job and had to start today. Seriously, interview and first day all in one. So, mass tomorrow. But, yeah, cheapest way to feel good for me is to spend an hour in mass.

    @ancientgreekcrone: Thanks! Love your name. I just love Greek mythology.

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