Today feels like it'll be better than yesterday. I had a chance to talk to a friend of mine last night, and I'm starting to fomulate a way to deal with my depression. My friend knows I've been struggling for several years now, and it's not situational (as one therapist diagnosed). I told her I'm rather scared I fall into the clinical area with my depression being chemical in nature. I know antidepresants work on me, but I need to be in a position where I can get them. Until then, it's a lot of situational work to keep me from falling.
I plan on getting my life back together spiritually. I'm a very religious person who has not prayed in over a year, and refused to enter my local church for a bit longer. The reason for the not wanting to go to church is because it's the same one I went to with my mom, and I can't handle sitting there and not having her next to me. Or looking to the front of the church and still visualizing her coffin by the alter. I just can't. I'm thinking of checking out a newly opened Catholic Church that's a slight drive from me. Where my old church would be just a ten minute drive, this one will be almost a half an hour (give or take on traffic). But, it's one that came about after mom's death, so there is no way to associate it with her.
I also plan on praying again. At least a rosary a day. My friend (who is Mormon, but went to a Catholic school growing up) has offered to pray with me if I need her to. I made the same offer to pray with her since she's going through her own hard times.
I'm actually starting to think I might be able to get just enough over this so that I stop thinking of myself as worthless. Yesterday was pretty low. Not the lowest I've ever been, but starting to get close. I feel like I'm on a rollar coaster. Low yesterday, slightly higher today, but I know that it can drop by tomorrow if I'm not careful. I've spent a great deal of my life fixing my depression without medicines or doctors, and I guess I can continue to do so until I'm in a position where I can get the help I really need.
So, wish me luck. I'm going to try to make it to the church in time for Confession. One good thing about being a Catholic: free therapy. You only have to pay by saying a few Hail Marys. 🙂