I'm still in shock after seeing K, eventhough it was a wonderful thing, I feel all weird inside, all unsettled.
I went in the car today and didn't freak out too much. That's good. I debated writing here or on Anxiety Tribe. I decided to write here because I feel a little sad, and I'm not 100%sure why. I should still be happy about seeing K, but now I am all nervous and worried that I won't hear from him again.
It's been 5 years of praying thatI'd be in his arms again, and now that it's finally happened, I am in a daze, remembering all the pain and suffering I went through when he was astranged from me, would barely give me the time of day, sometimes not even recognizing my number when I texted him every few months just to say hi, just to stay connected. I somehow knew the day would come when he'd be single again and if he saw how devoted I am to him, he might come back to me.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying he's come back, I know he hasn't, but we did get to spend time together and that is more than I could ever hope would happen.
Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. I have had preminitions and ESP in dreams and it scares me. Where's the ESP Tribe (j/k)
I am always thinking about death and when I hear people die, it affects me greatly. I have been very saddened about the incident in Colorado, trying to make sense of it in my mind, of course there is no sense to be made out of something as horrific as this.
I also feel sad when celebrities die. I watched a lot of shows made in the 70s and 80s so a lot of those stars are dying now.
So last night I was laying in bed and started thinking about Sherman Hemsley who played George Jefferson and was on that other show "Amen" in the 80s and I was wondering "Did he die? And when was it? I should look that up tomorrow." But then I forgot about it.
So today I was reading an article on E! online and linked to it was the headline saying that Sherman Hemsley JUSTdied TODAY. I felt all weird and unsettled again. How much of a coincidence is THAT??? I couldn't believe it. My mind went back to a week before Whitney Houston died and how I was thinking of her and wondering how her health was, thinking she didn't have much time left.
I don't know why I am so sensitive to dying, so much so that I seem to sense it. It is really annoying and unsettling.
Ugh, I sound so nuts like I think I'm some psychic, I DON'T… I am just saying these coincidences make me feel weird. Often times I have that weird, unsettled feeling. Most of it is part of my depression, always thinking something terrible is going to happen, focusing on unsettling things and events. I just DO that. I don't want to or mean to, but part of all this mental crap makes me a bit of a neurotic.
UGH I want to text K. I am so worried to disturb him. Do I just wait for him to text me again? What the hell do I do?! I never know what the right thing to do is. It makes me so nuts inside. I was going to explain that I didn't get his text until late about going and getting a drink, but I figured I should let it go. Oh please God let that boy get a new phone! I am so tired of getting messages a day late. Me and all of his friends, I'm sure.
I'm still surprised at how bad I feel. How down and how anxious and jittery. It could still be from the alcohol messing up my brain chemistry, but that usually only lasts a day, not 2 or 3. It could be my period, but usually when I actually get it I feel much better. I think it's just because I'm worried what will or will not happen next with K. It's like an unending nightmare, where I toss and turn and can only hope for the best. I can only hope for it to turn into a good dream again and save me from going completely under.