Lately I've not come on DT because I'm having so much stress. I know that is the very reason TO come on here but I've been freaking out & so focused on the uncertainty of my future that I can hardly breathe. I've become addicted to Twizzlers. Options of possible solutions or at the very least pressure releases have yet to show themselves & well, I'm going out of my mind. The last time I broached the subject on here my boyfriend's salary was being threatened with a 25% pay cut. It ended up being only 15% but that 10% is what was getting us thru these lean times. If we have to move out of the state I'll lose my health insurance and mental health is included. Prescriptions are about $12 a month and therapy is free. I have Hep C and I constantly have to go see my GI to have blood tests & check-ups. The last round of Interferon didn't do the trick, there's this new treatment in the works and my doctor wants me to go on that once it comes out sometime in November. What if this next treatment doesn't work? I'm already unhireable (?), a liability in this country, imagine what it's going to be like when I have no energy, I'm throwing up & my hair is falling out? Welcome aboard! Let's get you out there dealing w/ the general public, shall we?!

We've been discussing possible budget cuts but it's hard when we've already given up so much. Last night he realistically allowed the prospect of moving back to Germany into the conversation. That may sound fun & exotic to some of you but let me tell you, it wouldn't be. Europe may have Universal Health Care but I'd be an immigrant. Maybe I'd get special consideration because I'm a possible public health risk but it's hard to fathom the repercussions of this whole ordeal. Plus in order to afford living we'd have to live so far out of Köln; his parents live close to there, that we'd hardly ever get out of the house. Maybe Heidelberg but that place is so college & industrial. Hey, maybe that would be good for my photography. The places have so much history & it definitely would give me the rare chance of being completely submerged in a culture so it would be sink or swim. Oh, I don't know. I have a hard enough time communicating to people who speak English.

Thankfully it's relatively close to warmer weather so the gas bill will go down dramatically. Our furnace has been threatening to go out lately, leaks in the regulators, so our gas bill doubled last month. Then when I went into the dentist for a cleaning she told me I had 2 teeth that needed to be taken care of ASAP or I would have to put another zero on the end of the bill. A few days ago our car, Mitzy, started acting up. We've already sunk over $1000 into her last month. My boyfriend won't let me work on her so it costs twice as much as it should. Yes, I know how to work on cars. But you know, the easy stuff like oil changes, fluids, fuse, alternator & distributor replacement, tune-ups. It's so much easier to ask for forgiveness than permission so I popped the hood and made a run through a simple check list. She was cutting out on me when I'd pull her out of gear to coast through turns. My feeling is it maybe as simple as an old solenoid or as ridiculous as the alternator. I cannot work on these things without him knowing I'm doing it. First of all he'd be the one paying for the parts also it's kinda hard getting engine gunk (technical term) off my hands. It was only that day, thank god, so that's good but Mitzy won't be beguiled by my seduction & promises for much longer.

The stress is causing my skin to break out. My body's in constant pain. I'm compulsively eating Twizzlers. I saw my therapist today and was able to talk some of these things out. My mind has started to go to the dark places that keep me paralyzed until something worse happens, then I'm not so depressed coz it could ALWAYS be worse. My therapist is leaving me, handing me off to some woman I've yet to meet. She's staff so that's good but she's mainly a pharmacologist and I feel I need a psychopharmacologist. I need not focus on that as it's not happening for another 2 weeks. I think I'm going to unpack my Spring things & organize my closet today. Then I'll take a sleeping pill and just sleep till tomorrow.


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