(technically continuing from Part 1, because Part 2 basically turned out to be an originally un-planned for tribute page to a mentor)

…and maybe the whole Facebook thing just goes to show an ugly, self-absorbed and narcissistic side of me….and, as can only happen with me, while recently just googling how to spell the word "narcissistic, naturally a wikipedia page about something called Narcissistic Personality Disorder(they apparently refer to is as NPD for short) distracted me and caught my eye, and naturally having perused over it, I'm starting to freak out that I might have this disorder(Hypocondriac in me just acting up?…Can one even be a hypochondriac about such a thing?)…well, here are the symptoms that they list of the thing:

Symptoms of this disorder include, but are not limited to:

  • Reacts to criticism with anger, shame, or humiliation
  • May take advantage of others to reach their own goals
  • Tends to exaggerate their own importance, achievements, and talents
  • Imagines unrealistic fantasies of success, beauty, power, intelligence, or romance
  • Requires constant attention and positive reinforcement from others
  • Easily becomes jealous
  • Lacks empathy and disregards the feelings of others
  • Obsessed with oneself
  • Mainly pursues selfish goals
  • Trouble keeping healthy relationships
  • Is easily hurt and rejected
  • Sets unrealistic goals
  • Wants "the best" of everything
  • Appears as tough-minded or unemotional

Well, I'm worried: Of the 14 symptoms they list here, I think I would honestly say that 6 of them are me, 4 of them are not me, and 4 of them I'm not undertain about…so I calculated the math, the result being that I might have as many of 10 of these symptoms, or as little as 6 of them..even though it's probably not good to have even ONE of the symptoms, if I have to choose, I'd prefer the latter over the former…

bad memories, bad memories….you know, believe it or not, even jogging, which I recently just started getting myself to do again for the first time in three years, in and of itself I have discovered stirs up bad memories(and the place I go to to do my running playing something of an accomplice in this)..how so?…Memories of the day that I went to Creve Coeur Park(where I do my walking/running), walking around there on a gray and cool day with a nasty wind blowing, with me being one of about only 2-3 people that were there that day, just one day after experiencing a somewhat literal in-your-face form of excruciating heartbreak over a girl whom I had feelings for at the time(not Alison), who actually DID have feelings for me, and who I somehow managed to blow a potential relationship with..and more recently, and more topical to this blog..memories of…jogging..in that park, at a time when things were relatively okay in my life, just before a nightmarish bout of severe depression overtook my life, one that was so bad that I could barely get myself out of bed to so much as even take a WALK for almost 3 years, let alone go for a run…memories of a time when I was just going about my business in my typical mediocre-yet-relatively stable world and doing my occasional jogging in the park… and having no clue as to the hell that I would soon journey into…it's has if I almost have feelings of resentment towards me that I didn't see it coming at the time, that I could be so oblivious to what was about to occur, that I didn't see the signs(or maybe I did but chose to ignore them?) if that makes any sense..in summary, memories of a calm before the storm..I should be so happy and proud of myself that I have been able to get myself to jog again for the first time in three years…instead I find that I have to fight my way through bad memories and be plauged by fears that what if it's all just another calm before another storm…this seems to unfortunately outweigh the euphoric feeling of stimulated endorphins…other bad memories it evokes for one reason or another: Lost youth, unfullfilled potential, fear of being doomed to lonliness for eternity….eh, I'll spare any details on how it evokes memories of those particular things…

Laundry…laundry?!?…Am I actually starting to think that doing my laundry at my apartment complex somehow stirs up bad memories–I have no idea how or why–and maybe THAT'S the reason why I procrastinate on ever doing my laundry there and try to hold out until I know I'm going to pay a visit to my sister's and that I can do it there?!?…Oh, you've got to be KIDDING me…please. please, tell me that it's just pure laziness as to why I never seem to get around to doing my laundry there as much I could or should…

Facebook again…how that stirs up bad memories in addition to whatever I said earlier…pictures of old friends hanging out with each other and commenting on each other's posts on there, evoking, pathetically enough, memories of the struggle to break into the "in" crowd from my junior high/high school days…pictures/posts of former friends on current friend's pages, former friends because they "unfriended" me after they couldn't handle dealing with me during my depression, memories of friends whom I used to matter to, but am now only "friends" with on Facebook in the superficial sense now….memories of lost youth and unfulfilled potential in the FB world too in addition to the those kind of aforementioned memories, (and again, I'll spare the details on how it evokes those kinds of memories), merging with feelings of inferiority for not having glamorous jobs and beautiful families like they do….bad memories, bad memories, damn it…why does EVERYTHING have to evoke a bad memory?…..

People comment to me these days about how much better I seem to be doing lately….sometimes, I feel inclined to agree with them….and there is no doubt that I am at least better than I have been in the last 3 years, but considering that period of time consisted mainly of multiple stays in the hospital, going through umpteen different doctors and medications, days filled mostly with sleeping as a way of avoiding having to deal with the big bad world, and starting at the walls and sinking down to my knees on my kitchen floor bawling my eyes out, screaming for help with nothing but the surrounding walls to hear me, my god, like it's really saying much to be doing better than THAT?….Anyway, regardless of what I say to people when they mention it or ask me about it, what others see in me as progress—which is what I so badly WANT to see in myself too and not let fear stand in the way of acknowledging it–well, I am unfortunately reluctant to acknowledge as such…what others call progress, I feel I have no choice but to see as somehow having reached a point where I am one step ahead of the devil, where I've managed to hide from the demons, and that I can only hope that I can eventually escape completely and never fear them seeking me out again….(to be continued)


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